God's Timing

...is perfect.

I was reminded of that today.

In an email from my friend, A, I was asked if I felt jipped out of precious therapy time in the first year of Ellie's life, when we were unaware of her cerebral palsy. Her daughter, Ella, was hospitalized with meningitis when she was hours old. When she was released four weeks later, everyone knew that Ella had sustained brain damage and that she would most likely be further diagnosed with CP. A's exact words were, "I can't IMAGINE not knowing till Ella was a year old..."

I firmly believe that it was God's grace that kept Ellie's brain injury a secret from us for that first year. God knew that Ella's family needed to be aware of her disabilities from the get-go, just as He knew ELLIE'S family needed a year to heal from other (emotional and physical) wounds. Had I known of Ellie's brain damage from "the beginning", I am confident that I would have had a complete breakdown. The first four months of Ellie's life were so immensely challenging, and my screwed up uterus was so difficult to deal with for seven months after delivery, I don't know how I could have handled anything else. God knew that my body and heart needed to heal before I could take on more formidable news. When Ellie was diagnosed the day before her first birthday, I had come to adore motherhood, and most importantly, had completely fallen in love with my daughter. I needed to be at the place of strength and confidence in order to deal with the shock and passionate pain. God knew that. We may have lost ten months of physical and occupational therapy, but in the scope of a lifetime, that's insignificant. God's grace is indescribably significant.

Another personally poignant example of God's perfect timing encompasses our decision to move to Texas, and STAY in Texas for six years. From the first week we lived in Dallas, I wanted to move back "home" (be it Alabama or Manitoba). The big city was impersonal and overwhelming. We had no friends, no feelings of familiarity, no sense of direction. It was hot AND humid (no, it is NOT a "dry heat" in Dallas!), housing prices were outrageous, and it'd take half an hour to drive four miles during rush hour. One year into our life in Texas, Richard started applying for jobs back in Alabama. My heart wanted OUT of the Lone Star State! I couldn't understand why companies weren't responding to Richard's resume, or why God was "forcing" us to waste away in Dallas. During our third year in North Texas, I had a change of heart and decided that if God wanted us in Dallas, then I better suck it up...and LIVE IT UP. We joined a church, got involved, made fabulous friends, bought a house, and really started enjoying life. If only I had surrendered control to God from the beginning; I could have rocked it up the entire six years! I KNOW that it was part of the bigger plan for us to stay in Texas for many reasons, but the most striking is because of Richard's job. Because of the six years he spent proving himself at T Engineering, he was able to keep his job when God opened the door for us to move back home to Canada. WHO DOES THAT? Who is able to keep their job and telecommute from 1500 miles away?!

Only by the grace of God. ONLY.

Gratitude

It's Friday! A good day for a Thankful List!

1) I am thankful for my house. I really do love it. I actually think it was a blessing in disguise that we lived in a "small" apartment for our first five months in Canada. It put things into perspective and gave me a new appreciation for a house!

2) I am thankful for my friend Pietricia Mae, who came over a couple of days ago. She may not have realized it at the time, but when she commented on how far Ellie's come since she last saw her (a few months ago), it melted my heart.

3) I am thankful for Ebay. I found *the* dress for Ellie's pictures on Ebay, and it was only $20!!

4) I am thankful for birthmothers. They are some of the most courageous women on the planet.

5) I am thankful that my parents are back from Mexico tomorrow. You all know that I'm not a "mommy's girl", but, I have admittedly become quite dependent on my mom as a babysitter!

6) I am thankful for an efficient, working furnace. I live in Canada. It's winter. Enough said.

7) I am thankful for the "repeat play" selection on Ellie's Princess Sing-Along-Songs DVD.

8) I am thankful that, after eight years, my heart still skips a beat when Richard walks in the front door.

9) I am thankful for my new dishes! The mugs are the BEST size for my morning coffee.

10) I am thankful for T Engineering (Richard's company). They treat R well, pay the bills, and have allowed us to move up here. Not a bad deal.

Mama, I can SEE!

A Diaper Snuggie!

Ellie's Glasses!

She's doing really well with them too! It was amazing to see her first put them on. You could absolutely tell that the world looked different, looked VIBRANT! She got a bit sick of the frames around her ears, and her little nose has red marks on it, but they obviously help her vision. YAY!

Rose Colored Glasses

(Who know that this picture would be prophetic?! Don't worry, these are MY glasses on Ellie!)

Well, Ellie’s probably won’t be rosy, but they’re bound to be cute, right?!

SIGH. Sweet Ellie needs glasses. We saw the pediatric optometrist yesterday, to voice our concerns about her vision. Some of Ellie’s difficulties are a result of her brain injury (crossing her eyes when startled, especially after hearing a loud noise, for example), but some are a result of straight bum luck. Bad genes. Blame it on your mom, Ellie!

I realize that glasses could be a fantastic thing for Ellie. She may be introduced to a brand new, colorful, properly dimensioned world! And I want that for her. I really do.

But, my mommy-heart is (once again) sad. I feel like it’s just another openly visible sign that Ellie isn’t “typical”. Another area in which she stands out from other kids her age. Another possible reason for kids to make fun of her as she grows up. As if she didn’t have enough hurdles to cross.

“I guess she’ll have a pair of cute little glasses on for her 2-year-old pictures,” Richard said last night. My response was, “She doesn’t HAVE to wear them for pictures!”

And then my heart stopped short. What am I doing? I know that Ellie is too young to understand self image, but it won’t be long until she becomes more aware of her body and outward appearance. Will she feel prettier without her glasses, because her mom has inadvertently instilled that belief in her? Why do I feel heavy-hearted about Ellie wearing glasses? Perhaps it’s MY image problems.

It’s made me think about why it’s so important for me that Ellie look as “normal” as possible. I always feel a bit of satisfaction when I can send out pictures in which Ellie looks like a “totally typical toddler”. Or if we can eat in a restaurant without anyone noticing that she’s “different”. If Ellie can come across as fabulously normal, then my goal is accomplished!

Yet, Ellie ISN’T typical. As she grows up, her physical disabilities will become more noticeable. Her cerebral palsy will not stay hidden. Deep down, I don’t want it to. I want Ellie to embrace her difference. I want her to feel good in her skin, and to like her body. A body that will force her to work harder than you or I can imagine. I can’t hold her hand along the path of self acceptance if I’m not willing to travel it with her. She will receive her cues from ME. Holy smokes, that’s a huge responsibility (for any mom, regardless of your child’s abilities).

I suppose glasses are a good starting point for me. I’ve had to wear them all my life (since I was Ellie’s age!), and I honestly can’t recall a time when they really bothered me, or left me feeling bad about myself. So, why should I think that Ellie would feel any differently? She will be SO CUTE in her little glasses! And, even if she’s still too young to understand my compliments, I will shower her with affirmation when she wears them. I will remind her how pretty she is, and how perfect her eyes are. And I will remind MYSELF of how fabulous it is to witness my daughter SEEING the world.

Thankful

I feel like I have been Negative Nancy lately! With Richard, Ellie and I all sick, having to miss our Tennessee vacation, and putting up with house guests, I have, without realizing it, started extending Pity Party inviations. Forgive me. To change the mood, here is my Thankful List for today:

1) I am thankful for my back yard. As you can see from the picture on top, it is absolutely gorgeous. Looking out my patio door makes me happy.

2) I am thankful for good coffee with real cream (a perk of hosting guests...I splurge and buy half-and-half cream!)

3) I am thankful for my dishwasher.

4) I am thankful that our mail box is right across our driveway, so that we don't have to walk a mile in frigid temperatures to collect our snail mail.

5) I am thankful that Ellie pooped this morning (she hasn't gone for three days and I was starting to get worried).

6) I am thankful that my in-laws are on their way to Nashville and that all their flights were on schedule today.

7) I am thankful for my sister.

8) I am thankful for "my girls".

9) I am thankful that somebody invented super glue (it fixed Ellie's high chair today).

10) I am thankful for yummy-smelling candles.

Back to Just the Three of Us

The visit is over. It's always bittersweet to say goodbye. On the one hand, I am ready to have my house and routine back, but on the other hand, I know that when we see Richard's family again, in six months or more, Ellie will have to get to "re-know" her Southern Grandma and Grandpa all over again. And that's hard.

All in all, I think the visit went well.

My hope and prayer is that as Ellie gets older, these visits will become easier and that she will remember her Southern Grandparents from the time before.

I *do* feel like we got jipped out of a vacation. Of course it's not Ellie's fault that she had an ear infection, but I was so looking forward to breaking up the long winter with a "southern" vacation. Oh well. Next year....

My Ellie

Me and My Blog

Well, after this post, I will no longer wear my blog chastity belt. My sweet friend Sunny inspired me. My late coming into the world of blogging is true to Chrystie form. It usually takes me a few years to make peace with a new fad. Thus, I'll often embrace the fad just as it's going out of fashion! I swore that I would never wear bell bottom jeans, and sure enough, just as straight legs were making their way back into the Gap, I got on the flare (the 2003 politically correct way to say "bell bottom") band wagon.

Revising the Dream.

I'm thirty. Thirty is different than I thought it would be. Not better, not worse, just different. I am a chronic dreamer, and I've realized that, as life throws some curve balls my way, I've had to revise some of those visions.

I don't dream of covering the Middle East unrest for CNN anymore. Not seeing my husband and daughter for months on end would KILL me. It's not a dream I WANT. Instead, I dream of the perfect job (whatever that may be...politics? Community development? Writing?) that allows me to pursue my passion for eight hours a day, until I'm able to go home to my family and laugh about the day's events over Hamburger Helper and Tang.

I don't dream of mothering the first female place kicker for the Alabama Crimson Tide anymore. I don't even dream about mothering a daughter who can walk up a hill anymore. Instead, I dream about mothering a daughter who rises above her physical limitations. A daughter who says, "I may have cerebral palsy, but that is NOT who I am." A daughter who inspires and loves and conquers.

Revising is not about eliminating. Revising the dream has nothing to do with ending the dream. To the contrary, my friend! Revising the dream is about envisioning even bigger and better things for your life. Revising the dream is about putting real people in the place of the unknown. "Having kids" isn't good enough any more. Now, it's "Having Ellie and adopting our precious second baby..." "Getting married" isn't good enough anymore. Now, it's "Being Richard's wife".

After all, revisions lead to perfection.