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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Late Night Admissions

Ugh.

Not doing as well tonight. 

Fighting the demons.  Feeling sorry for myself.

How come EVERYONE else has healthy kids?  Why do I have to go through this?  Why ELLIE?  It just feels so surreal.  How did this become MY life?  I didn't want this.

I know that I need to snap out of this.  I know that these are not "God words" or thoughts.  I know that I'm not really alone and that there are plenty of other sick and disabled kids out there.

But, I just need to be real and admit that I'm struggling with my thoughts.  I was lying down beside Ellie as she went to sleep tonight.  I kept thinking about her last surgery.  She was only 9 months old.  It was day surgery.  The doctor "just" fixed a muscle in each eye.  I thought it wasn't a big deal.

Then, I walked into the recovery room.  There, on a stretcher, lay my baby, screaming at the top of her little lungs, CRYING TEARS OF BLOOD.  It was a horrendous sight.  I puked.

I am absolutely terrified of that moment, walking into the recovery room on Tuesday, after Ellie's surgery is finished.  I love her a million times more today than I did when she was nine months old, and I just don't know if I can do that again.  I know that her tears won't be bloody, but there will be tears.  And I don't want to puke.

Demons, I tell you.

Pray for me.  I feel terribly selfish asking for prayers, since it's my precious Ellie who really needs them, but if you're on your knees anyway, throw one in for me too.  I know that I will need God's strength to overcome these fears.  I know that I will need Him to carry me.  I just can't do this alone.

Thanks for your "ears"...

3 comments:

Sharaya Crossan said...

My dear Chrystie,

It is noti n the least selfish for you to ask for prayer. My heart aches to read of your turmoil, real and legitimate. And so I shall pray...

here and now...

Most holy and loving Heavenly Father,

I lift up Your precious child and servant, Chrystie, whom You chose to be Your very own before your set the universe in place, in whom You delight and in whom You graciously dwell by Your Spirit. Thank You, Lord God, that a bruised reed You will not break. A grieving and fearful heart You will not despise or ignore. A faintly burning wick You will not quench. You are faithful, faithful to keep the flame of faith burning. Pour Your all sufficient grace into Chyrstie's heart that she would not grow faint or be discouraged. You have promised in Your Word that You will take Chrystie by the hand and keep her in the palm of You hand that bears the scars of Your redeeming love. Holy Spirit, help Chrystie to cling to Your Word which says that You now declare that new things are coming to pass within her and Ellie, that even before they spring forth, You are preparing them now... deeper faith and trust in You, deeper joy and strength even amidst weakness... Thank You Father have said that You will lead us, even when we are blinded by anxiety and fear, in a way that we cannot foresee, in paths that we have not yet known You will guide us and turn darkness before us into light, the rough places into level ground. This You have promised and You will not forsake us. We rest... rest... rest in Your higher ways, in Your precious promises, in Your tender care. Even in the storm, You are with us. Praise be to Your name. In Jesus name, Amen.

From Isaiah 42

Peace be unto you, dear friend.

Diane said...

I feel for you Chrystie. I ask myself the same questions, why me. But everything will be ok. Just pray. I will be praying for you, even, the twin boys will pray for you. Take care. Oh and please keep us in touch.

James Patrick said...

Oh how I feel your right now. As I read your post it is like I am reading my thoughts coming from your blog. I have been praying for YOU and Ellie everyday. I know that Ellie has wonderful doctors and nurses that will be taking care of her and I pray for them as well. My biggest prayers have been for you and Richard to feel a peace and comfort during this time. You are a few months ahead of us in the process and I know that I will be having these exact thoughts because I too remember walking into the recovery room seeing my son craying those bloody tears at 10 months. I pray that Ellie will have a smooth recovery and that you will be able to be strong and peaceful for her.