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Monday, January 18, 2010

Lullaby and Goodnight

I promised that this would be my heart-blog; a place to be real.  Today, I'll keep my promise.

I am still doing okay.

BUT.

The sleeping is getting rough.  I have always been prone to bad dreams, especially during times of stress.  Well, surprise!  This must be a stressful time, because my night has become plagued by dreams that make my heart sad and petrified. 

While the nightmares most definitely suck, I have also become aware of my fears because of them.  The past few nights, I have been shocked awake by images of Ellie after surgery.  In my dream, she is wheeled out of the operating room and is hooked to EVERYTHING.  Tubes are coming out of her mouth.  Tubes are coming out of her nose.  Tubes are coming out of her belly button.  She turns over, looks straight into my eyes and tries to say, "Mommy", but can't, because she's intubated.  Then, with a slumbered blink, the Ellie in my dream changes back to a newborn baby.

She's this:


Hooked up to everything.  Tubes coming out of everywhere.

Then I wake up, paralyzed.

I find myself reliving those dark moments of Ellie's first few days.  I am scared to go to that place again.  I am terrified of feeling that desperation again.  THAT is my nightmare.

Yet, I have hope.  While I combat the fear on a regular basis, I am hopeful that seeing Ellie recover from her surgery will free me from these images.  Maybe my heart will be healed a bit.  Maybe I won't go to that very dark and dismal place this time and I will overcome these demons.

Till then, I will selfishly solicit your prayers.  OF COURSE, pray for my sweet Ellie.  But, perhaps throw in a prayer for me too.  Pray for my sleep.  Pray for my anxiety level.  Pray that Ellie's surgery recovery will be a healing process for me.  Thank you.

5 comments:

James Patrick said...

I am praying for you to feel at peace. I have been praying for the doctors, nurses and everyone that will have their hands on sweet Ellie!

Jane said...

<3

You got it, babe.

Jennifer said...

always!!!! even when there aren't "big scary" things like surgeries going on, you're always in my prayers! continue hanging in there.....

peitricia mae said...

Absolutely - we're praying for all of you!

Sheila said...

Big hugs and prayers headed your way. I'm not sure we'll ever forget the images of our sweet girls in the NICU with all those tubes but I hope this experience does heal your heart and replace those images in your mind with much happier images.