Excuses, Excuses

I need to blog in a bad way.

Oh wait a sec, YOU know that.

I know I sound like a broken record/tape/CD/MP3, but once again, I just haven’t found the mental energy needed to spew my feelings onto cyber paper. In the dead of the night, my mind is racing with all sorts of blogging ideas, but when it comes to the next evening, when I actually have time to verbally regurgitate, I just can’t. I’m tired and worn.

Life isn’t BAD, it’s just emotionally challenging right now.

This past Saturday I had a wake-up call. Or, perhaps a wake-down call. It was 2:30 in the afternoon when I suddenly realized that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about a morning meeting. This meeting was written on the calendar, I had confirmed to several other people on the committee that I would be attending, Richie and I had talked about it a couple of times during the week. The meeting started at 10:00am. I remembered at 2:30pm. Who does that?! It scared me, actually. If I forget about an important meeting, one that I’ve had on the calendar and known about for weeks, what else could I be forgetting?

I chalk it all up to preoccupation. And saturation. My head is both overloaded and in its own world. I am in planning mode. I am in anxiety mode. The next thing I know, I’m chewing my nails, watching Alabama kick yet ANOTHER field goal, when I remember a meeting that I was supposed to attend six hours earlier…

That said, the planning part of my preoccupation is going really well. I have officially been granted a seven-month leave of absence from work and my amazingly qualified and precious replacement should be hired this week. We’ve got accommodation options for Vancouver. Ellie’s post-op intensive physical therapy is pretty much secured. Planning the logistics gives me some peace of mind (read: makes me feel like I’m partially in control of something). It provides distraction from the worry.

So, there’s where I’m at these days.

I was going to include a top five list in my post today, but I think I’ll leave that for tomorrow. Hmmm, perhaps I’m clinging to lists because they, too, make me feel more organized and less chaotic.

OCD much??

I’ll leave you with a picture that also calms and warms my heart. Precious cousins with an unbelievable uncle and dad.

It's Real

From: H <h@cw.bc.ca>
To: Chrystie <chrystie@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Oct 14, 2009 at 5:48 PM
Subject RE: SDR Appointment

Hi Chrystie,

The physio is aware of the surgery date of January 5th.

Pre-operatively, you'll need to see the following people/areas on January 4th:

Pre-Admission Clinic app't sometime in the morning - they will call you with an appointment time.

Dr. Steinbok at 11:30 AM

OT & PT at 1 & 2 PM

Regards,
H

Everywhere

I need to blog. My head is everywhere. EVERY.WHERE. Still waiting to hear from the orthopedic surgeon regarding Ellie's hip x-rays. If he feels they look okay, then SDR (spine) surgery will be scheduled for January. It is all-consuming. I envision Ellie waking up after surgery in the hospital bed. I panic in my head. In my nightmare, she's in pain and crying out to me, pleading with her mommy to make it stop. I pray. Every second it seems. For wisdom, for strength, for guidance, for angelic doctor-hands. I watch football and fade away for a few hours. I hear Ellie cheer, "Roll Tide Roll!" and it makes my chaotic heart smile. I work. I love it there. This last weekend, I built a States-side fortress around my heart; a fortress made up of life-long friends and family. It was a delightful break.

See, everywhere.

I can't even communicate my thoughts on cyber-paper. Other than to say that I just want the best. Because, well, just LOOK AT HER: