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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Just Sayin'...

I’m here.  I think.
It is obviously too great a task for me to keep two blogs updated.  It sucks, because I probably need this blog.  It’s great therapy for me.  And I should be writing more. 
But, I’m tired.
I’m not sure when I got old and tired, but it happened.  My brain can only regurgitate so much onto cyber paper.  My heart can only expand to a certain degree. 
And I worry.  About Ellie.  What happens when she reads this blog?  Do you think I’m revealing too much of my heart?  Do you think she’d feel as though I’m disappointed in her?  Because, wow,  that would wreck me. 
But, I have so much to say.  Always.  SO MUCH to say.
I wonder if I should elaborate on things like…
…How I’m bothered that Ellie doesn’t seem to even care that she’s different from the other kids. The kids she's starting KINDERGARTEN with.  Of course, I’m thankful that she’s not phased by it, but I’m also worried that she’s emotionally behind her peers.
…How we’re thinking about building a new house; one that’s entirely wheelchair accessible.  But, my heart is hesitant.  I don’t want to think of Ellie in a wheelchair.  I don’t want to have to do any sort of landscaping.  I don’t want to be committed to staying here, in small-town Canada, forever.  But, man, if Ellie falls down the stair in our sunken living room one more time, I think we’ll all scream!
…How difficult it is for me to talk to other parents (mostly mothers) about their typically-developing children.  Will I EVER be able to converse with my girlfriends and feel full, unabashed happiness for them?  I can’t yet.  I want to, but I can’t.  I hate that about myself.
…How tempted I am to fly to Ottawa and lobby on Capital Hill in support of the long gun registry.  The thought of the dictator-led Conservative party overturning the long gun registry makes me want to cry.  I love that Canada (up until this point) has supported gun control.  I love that, as a result, firearm violence in my Home and Native land pales in comparison to that of the United States.  Why, oh why, would we want to dink around with that? 
…How I’m fairly certain that unless there is Omnipotent intervention (which is surely possible!), Richard and I have decided that our family will remain fixed at three members.  There are days when my heart pangs at the thought of adoption.  I really would love to cross the ocean and pick up a baby or two.  But, our resources, both time and money, are limited.  We want to send Ellie to therapy classes.  We want Ellie to have the best equipment.  We want to take Ellie on trips.  We want a wheelchair accessible house.  I love my job and I want to work full-time (wouldn’t 2-3 kids require more “at home” time?!  Certainly!).  I want to sleep.  All reasons why we’ve decided not to adopt.  Still hurts my heart a bit though.  
...How I really wish Ellie could wear cute shoes.  I almost cried today when I got an email from the Gap, informing me that all girls' knit boots were on sale.  I want Ellie to wear knit boots.  I want Ellie to wear Mary Janes.  I want Ellie to wear flip flops.  These shoes would go so perfectly with her Matilda Jane outfit.  You know, the way-overpriced duds I bought for her because deep down, I feel that if she's over-the-top dressed, people will overlook the fact that she's in a walker.  Yup.  It's all about the shoes.
But.  If I write more about these topics, will people judge me?  Will you think I'm a bad mom?  Will you think I'm a bad Christian?  
Sigh.
I need some chocolate.

4 comments:

Mo said...

Never, ever would I think that...I feel it too, sister. It is what it is.

Lisa Gillespie said...

Oh Christie, sounds like somebody needs a hug! Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to be honest about what you're feeling! We're here to listen to you vent. :)

ellen :) said...

Chrystie,

How many times have I had many of the same thoughts?! Stay strong and keep praying! I think sweet Ellie would love you even more for the sheer honesty of your posts! :)

Christy said...

I would never think that! you're a good mom and it's important to be able to recognize and work through your feelings!

I feel the same way about other people's kids and I have a "typical" son too! I cried when he started crawling because I was so happy and so sad at the same time. We "special" mamas have a lot of conflicting emotions and sometimes it's best to get it out there, whether public or private.

just know you do have supporters!