Happy

You know what makes me happy? 

FOOTBALL.

Real, Made In America, 4-down football.  I can't even tell you how my heart fluttered this morning when I was searching the internet for our local TV Guide.  I was going to check to see which games were televised (and, since we don't have a US satellite dish, our stupid Canadian channels carry very few American college football games).  I knew that blasted Notre Dame would be on...AGAIN.  But, I was hoping that, besides THE.GAME. tonight, there'd be another goodie on in the afternoon.  That's when, to my amazement, I realized that ESPN's College Gameday was going to be carried on a station we get.  Oh my!  Truly.  It's like a banquet AND a dance!  Not only is the Alabama game being shown (in HD to boot!), but now we get College Gameday for 2 hours in the morning?!

Heaven.

It was the first time all week that I felt complete joy.

Not the joy that's immediately tempered by heartache.  Like the joy I felt when I saw Ellie in her freakin' adorable first-day-of-school outfit, which was instantly covered over by the realization that her sleeves were a bit too long and they were catching her hands on the walker.  Her walker.  The thing that everyone notices before they can breathe in the beauty of who's USING the walker.

Like the joy I felt when I was greeted by the sweet, familiar faces of students returning to school (I'm a college librarian, in case you weren't aware); the "kids" who skipped up the library stairs just so they could say hi to ME!  The joy that was quickly replaced by feelings of stress and panic when I realized how much I still had to do in order to be ready for classes.

Like the joy that boosted my soul when the crisp fall air hit my face on Monday morning.  The glee of knowing that within a few weeks, I wouldn't have to think about pulling weeds or trimming hedges or taking out bloody perennial gardens.  The joy that was tempered by the knowledge that -40 degrees is also on its way. 

Sometimes, it's nice to feel complete, full-on, all-consuming happiness.

I'm just a little worried that it takes football, something that, in the whole swing of things, is pretty insignificant (though it pains me to admit it), to feel that pure bliss.

Ha!  I suppose by feeling guilty for my football ecstacy, I'm cutting into that joy and actually tempering it.  Can you say "Self Destructive"?

I guess what I'm trying to convey in this relatively useless post (but, hey, at least it's a POST!) is that I wish I could revel in such joy for the "big" things too.  I wish I could float around in the happiness a bit longer during the situations that really count. 

I wish I could revise the dream without remembering the first draft.  That's all.

Just had to get ONE "Bama Cheerleader" pic in here.  This one's from 2007, when Ellie was two.