Cracks

Who knew that a cracked window could induce tears, a racing heart, and a severe bout of “I just want to stay in bed” sickness?

It’s a cracked window. Whoop-dee-ding-dong. We’re homeowners and “stuff breaking” is part of the contract we signed at the realtor’s office. I know that. Under NORMAL circumstances, a cracked window would result in a heavy sigh, an “Aw, crap, now we can’t go out for dinner on Friday cuz we'll need to use that money for repairs” uttered under my breath, and a call to the glass shop. And then life would go on.

Last night, obviously, was not normal.

I was getting ready for bed when Richard said, “Oh, I looked at the living room window today and the crack that started off as teeny-weeny is now running from top to bottom of the glass, and it’s all frosted over. Guess we’ll have to do something about it before we leave for Vancouver.”

That was it. Panic. Tears. Palpitating heart.

We have one week before we leave. Can someone fix it that fast? Can we leave the window like this for our house sitters? How much will it cost? How much cold is getting through the crack? Who do we call? What do we do? What do we do?? What do we do???

My hysteria was not caused by the window. The window was merely the last drop of the potent “things to do” liquid that caused my cup to run over. I hadn’t actually realized I was so saturated until I overflowed.

I thought that I was handling things fairly decently. Things went really well last week at home with Ellie. I got quite a bit done and I was feeling this strange sense of peace and organization---both on paper and in my soul. It was good. I even told one of my girlfriends, who was sweet enough to call and check on me, that I was happily surprised at how easy it’s been to keep my anxiety in check. I said that it must be a result of all the prayers. I know for a fact that those closest to me have been praying specifically for my ever-worrying heart.

The prayers HAVE worked, and continue to, but admittedly, I have experienced a bit of a lapse in the past 24 hours. My peaceful heart has turned to chaotic mush and the thought of leaving for Vancouver in a week has resulted in some nasty-tasting vomit coming up in my mouth.

So, today, I had to stop and figure out how to combat the anxiety. I have always maintained that my little blue Zoloft pills are only a 7-digit phone call away. I will not hesitate to medicate if my heart and head start racing uncontrollably.

But, I’m not there yet. I knew I had some unused self-awareness weapons in my arsenal and I had to literally stop, stand still, and use them this morning.

Start from what you know.

I know that my mom will help. A 3-minute phone call later, I had Ellie-care for the day.

I know that reading the Bible will calm me down. After looking up “worry” in the concordance, this is the verse that shocked my heart into a soothing rhythm:

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

I was especially struck by the fact that it doesn’t say IF hard things come up tomorrow, but WHEN. They’re coming. Ellie’s having surgery in TWO WEEKS. If that’s not a hard thing, then I don’t know what is. But, God has promised that He will help me deal with that hard thing, just as He’s gonna help me deal with all the hard things of today. Gotta love that Guy.

I know that, even though every fiber of my being wants to crawl back into bed and depress the day away, I CAN and WILL conjure up the determination to power through. I made a list of all the things I needed to get done today, and while it was a bit overwhelming to see it written down, I also knew that I could get it all done. I knew I could force myself over that hump of despair.

And I did it!

I called my insurance company. I called the wheelchair supply store. I called the glass fix-it-store. I called the credit card company (and because they said that they covered my rental car insurance in Vancouver, it saved me a called to my auto insurance company, yay!). I called the airline and changed our Florida flights. I called the couple who are going to be house-sitting for us. I went into work and finished up some paperwork-stuff. I made my application for employment insurance (doubtful I’ll qualify, but I had to try). I made 3 different doctors appointments for Ellie. I called the therapy clinic in Florida. I did the laundry. I blogged!

Every single thing on my list. Took me all afternoon (don’t even get me started on the music some offices play when they put you on hold), but I did it!

God helped me deal with the hard things.

Today was a victory. I need the victories. I need the calm. I need the satisfaction I get when looking at a list that is full of “to do”s that are crossed out.

And the glass repairman is coming tomorrow.

So, for those who have been faithfully asking (thank you!), I answer with an honest, “I’m doing okay.”