My Heart

Prayer.

It’s a simple word for a seemingly simple subject.

I believe in God, I believe He listens, I believe in a relationship with Him, therefore I pray.

I wish I could leave it at that and be satisfied. I wish I could drop everything at the feet of Jesus and and let Him answer and guide. I wish I could believe, always, that He is capable of big things. I wish I could give Him the control.

I wish prayer was simple.

For years, I have struggled with the concept of God answering prayer. What do “God’s answers” look like? If I’ve prayed for someone to be healed, and yet they die 3 days later, is that an unanswered prayer? If my best friend lands a great job, while her next door neighbor still struggles to find work, has God answered only one of those prayers?

Over the weekend, I spent a couple of hours at church, listening to a missionary family recount their experiences in China. They told a story of how they prayed with a neighbor, that she would become pregnant after years of infertility struggles. Voila! The next month, their neighbor found herself pregnant. As I listened to this story, I became increasingly agitated and defensive. How is it that God would answer HER prayer and not mine? What about all the other women in this world who struggle so desperately with infertility? Has God forsaken them?

I don’t want to feel abandoned by God. I don’t want to have to explain how He seems to answer some prayers and ignore others.

So, I pray safe.

If it’s Your will for Mrs. Smith to become pregnant, then please bless her with a healthy baby. BUT, if it’s not in Your plan, then give Mrs. Smith the peace she needs to journey this difficult road.

It’s the sort of prayer that gives both God and me an out.

If Mrs. Smith is knocked up next month, then God answered. If Mrs. Smith ISN’T pregnant, then God still answered, and a Big Fat Positive on the pee-stick must not have been in His plan. God answers either way. Everyone wins.

Or, maybe, just maybe, I lose out because of my disbelief. Maybe God actually WANTS me to pray big…and believe He’ll answer.

I have never prayed for Ellie’s healing. Not once. At least seriously. I’ve tried a time or two, but I’ve stopped mid-sentence because it seemed ridiculous. God knows my heart, my inner-most thoughts. He knows I don’t believe it’ll happen. There is no cure for cerebral palsy. I’ve never heard of ANYONE with CP being healed. Just as I wouldn’t pray for someone’s amputated leg to grow back, I wouldn’t ask God to heal a permanent brain injury.

So, rather than make a farce of God’s omnipotence and highlight my lack of faith, I pray safe. I pray for His will to be done. I pray for peace.

Peace is a good thing. Walking in God’s will is a good thing. And when I pray for these things to happen, both in my life and in the lives of others, I really mean it. I really want it. I really believe God can deliver.

But, today, my heart is being tugged. Yanked so hard that it hurts. I feel it. I hear it.

I hear HIM.

Pray BIG, Chrystie. And believe that I can do it.

Perhaps I have to start “small”. I still can’t pray for complete healing. I can’t yet beseech God to perform a miracle I don’t believe in. But, there are “smaller” miracles that I’m ready to pray for, to believe He can perform them.

Yesterday, in the quiet of my dark room, I succumbed to the tug.

Please, God, guide the scheduling of Ellie’s surgery. I know you can fit her into Dr. Steinbok’s schedule before Jan. 19th. I know You can. I know You can.

And then, with tears streaming down my face, I went one step further. Literally.

God, I pray for FOUR INDEPENDENT STEPS. No walker. No canes. They don’t have to be pretty or balanced. Four steps. All on her own.

Pray big. Believe.

Amen.