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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Get Me To the Church On Time...

I have to be careful writing this.

I don’t want to offend anyone. And I certainly don’t want to betray the feminist air I breathe.

But, it’s where my heart is at, and those are the things I write about.

We attended a beautiful family wedding over the weekend.

Weddings are hard for me. And I don’t want them to be. I want to enjoy the celebration and rejoice with the adoring couple. I want to go back in time to my wedding and recall the feelings of young love that bubbled out of my soul.

Instead, I sit in the pews and sadly wonder.

As the flower girl preciously drops her little rose petals, littering the aisle with fragrance, I wonder if Ellie will ever walk, even with a walker, in church.

As the bride makes her teary way down the aisle to meet her beloved, I wonder if Ellie will ever find that. I wonder if she will have the cognitive abilities to fall in love and start her own little family. I wonder if a boy will see past her physical disabilities and fall in love with her heart.

As the father of the bride holds tightly to the arm of his little girl, I wonder if Richard will ever fill those shoes.

Of course, I realize that marriage does not complete a person. I also know that there’s no guarantee that any child, disabled or typical, will end up walking down that aisle. My head understands this. My heart, however, doesn’t always get it.

I want that for Ellie. And, if I’m being completely honest, I want that for ME.

Perhaps my love for Richard has contributed to this sadness. Ironic, isn’t it? I love him so much and he has brought me so much joy that I want Ellie to experience that with someone too. Perhaps my love for ELLIE has added to this pang too. I am so head-over-heels in love with my child that I want Ellie to feel love as a mother too.

More than anything, though, I realize that the despairing comes as a result of the unknown. My heart cries because I am scared of the future and what it may hold for Ellie. I hate to admit it. I really DO try to cover myself in positivity and concentrate on the good. I really DO try to encourage sweet Ellie at every turn and reinforce my love for her. A love that is unconditional. No matter what she does or what her physical and mental abilities are.

But, sometimes, I wonder. And I go to melancholy places in my mind. I want love and comprehension for Ellie. I want those things SO BADLY. I know the “right” thing to say, especially as a mother, is that I want happiness for Ellie. Of course I want that. But I want her to also have intellectual acuity and I want her to fall in love.

Sometimes (okay, MOST times), I wish I knew what the future holds. I wish I knew if I need to wonder (read: worry) about these things. I wish I knew whether I should accept or hope.

I wish I knew if we should start a “wedding fund” account.

Ellie and the flower girl from the wedding on Saturday. Not the best picture, I know, but I need my I.T. guy to help me get the REALLY GOOD pics onto my computer so I can share Ellie's totally amazing prettiness with you!


Anonymous said...

hi. i have six kids, 5 have special needs. 3 have cerebral palsy. i understand your pain.

Teaster said...

Thanks for confirming that those feelings are normal. My daughter too has cp and I wonder, sometimes worry, about the exact same things but keep it all inside as few truly understand the boat we're sailing in.

Anonymous said...

Hey Chrystie, I, of course, have those exact same fears that Avery won't find love and won't be a mother. She is starting to pretend that she is a mommy when she plays and it breaks my heart to think she may never get that chance. It's all so heartbreaking.

KPKoze said...

I have those fears ALL the time. And you SHOULD start a fund for her now. I'm bringing Hunter up there to meet her because she is nothing short of an amazing girl that ANY mother would be PROUD to call her daughter in law. She is loved and will be loved by many in her life. I know it's easy to say standing on this side, but we all have the fears. Just know that the rest of us are sure she will need that fund ;-)