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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Nonsense

I really try to be a coherent writer. I spent $20,000 earning a college education, and I REALLY do try to utilize my essay-building, stay-on-topic, paragraph-structure knowledge while blogging.

Today, though, not so much.

My brain is mushy because it’s exploding with thoughts of all sorts, and it’s nearly impossible for me to contain them to one subject area. And, really, I don’t feel like bullet points. I just feel like spewing. So, arm yourselves with barf bags because you’re about to be hit with some verbal vomit!

I’m annoyed. Annoyed that Ellie puked up her Tylenol this morning. Annoyed that I wanted to blame HER. Annoyed that I wanted to blame Richard. Annoyed that I had to change her clothes, which took up all the time I had allotted for a quick Tim Horton’s run for coffee and a low fat blueberry muffin.

I’m sad. Sad because yesterday I was able to feed baby Zachary in the same red La-z-boy rocking chair that cradled my butt for HOURS AND HOURS while feeding Ellie. Sad because Ellie sat on the floor completely mesmerized as I fed Zach and I so much wished that I could give her a sibling-baby, not “just” a cousin-baby.

I’m hopeful. I had a fantastic conversation with one of the students this morning. She’s in the 7th grade and her sister, who’s in 2nd grade, has cerebral palsy. The student was telling me how her younger sister had undergone SDR surgery in Vancouver last summer and the results have been amazing! The little girl is now walking with canes and talking at near grade-level! I’m sure she went to Vancouver Children’s Hospital for the surgery---the same facility (and possibly doctor) that Dr. Hot Stuff recommended for Ellie. Stories like these always make my heart flutter!

I’m tired. REALLY tired. I’m not sure why. Eating crap, avoiding the -40 degree outdoors and not exercising must be huge contributors, but this is worse than normal. My motivation is in the toilet and I wonder if I’m a teeny , tiny bit depressed.

I’m busy. This is one of those something-up-every-night- weeks and it gives me heart palpitations just thinking about the things that need done before the week’s end. Why do we go so crazy at Christmas? It’s totally ridiculous, since this is supposed to be the “most wonderful time of the year”. My butt. If you’re over the age of 17, you hate Christmas. Just admit it. You have to spend way more money than you have. You have to clean your house. You have to bake (or pay someone to bake for you…which, by the way, is WELL WELL worth it. Especially if you have Baker-Extraordinaire at your disposal!). You have to decorate. You have to park 8 miles away from the Wal-Mart entrance and walk up hill both ways in -120 degree weather while in pursuit of those gifts you’ll pay too much for. (Unless, of course, you bring your disabled child shopping with you well past her bedtime, ONLY because it allows you to use the Handicapped Parking Pass.) Oh, and Happy Birthday Jesus. Cuz it’s all about You. Really, it is.

I’m irritated. You all know how much I loathe SUVs and vans for families under the size of four. It’s a gross reflection of how greedy, space-hungry and environmentally-abusive our society is. It pains me to even write this, but I think we’re going to have to start looking at buying one of those gas-guzzling monstrosities. My back hurts. It’s hard for me to lean down and put Ellie in her carseat in the back of our compact car. The bending and lifting is taking a toll. Most of all, though, I hate what this symbolizes. We will drive a van or SUV because our daughter is disabled. Not because we want to. Not because we feel cool. Not because we have four kids. But, because lifting a 35-pounder in-and-out of a car is hard on our backs. Because our vehicle needs to fit a wheelchair sometime soon. Dangit.

I’m disturbed. Why are we, as Canadians, the laughing stock of the political world? Our parliamentary system is a piece of dung and I’m embarrassed at the level of immaturity displayed by our supposedly adult elected officials. Stephen Harper is a power-hungry idiot and this eleventh-hour “coalition” is a farce. I’m not sure what the solution is, but surely something more agreeing could have been orchestrated. I guess it could be worse. We don’t have 8 years of Dubya to clean up after.

I’m thankful. I have a job I really like. Richie has a job he really likes. We’re both compensated nicely. Richie’s working over-time and his company is doing GREAT. We can pay for Ellie’s therapy. Ellie HAS therapy options. The “power off” switch on our TV remote control works, so that when the doom-and-gloom news reports become to much to handle, I can flip the switch (not to be confused with “the bird”, although that’s tempting too) and return to my comfy, able-to-pay-the-bills world.

I’m cold. Why, why, why did my ancestors settle here? Texas was nice. What was wrong with Texas, Great-great-great Grandpa? Or, even better, Alabama??

I’m selfish. This is all about ME. And when I get in these raunchy moods, I become so Chrystie-consumed. Ridiculous, really. Since my father-in-law is lying in a hospital room right now, recovering from double knee replacement. Since one of my sweet friends just found out that her son, who was MISdiagnosed with cerebral palsy a few years ago, may, in fact, have a life-threatening genetic brain disease. Since a dear friend of mine is going through IVF tomorrow. Since …well, you get the picture. *I* get the picture.

The End.

4 comments:

Jennifer said...

Just so you know.... I love you and you are AWESOME!!! hang in there... the New Year is only 3 weeks away... :-)

Erin said...

Enjoyed this post. Keep your chin up, of course. It is easy to get in a funk in -40 degree weather, I would assume. We thought we were cold today because it was in the 30s. Love you. BTW, I recommend a minivan that has the automatic doors! :)

Southern Eccentric said...

The holidays. We have way too many expectations for the holidays, and/or worse, feel obligated to do way too many things.

Every year we try to cut back, and this year I don't even know what's going to get done! NO decorating, except maybe our little fake Christmas tree. & buying presents? Who's had time for that?

With all you have to deal with, it's no wonder you're feeling the bite of the blues, even downright depression.

Sure you can always find someone who's a little bit or a lot worse off than you are... but that doesn't make your problems any less valid.

Give yourself a break. & BTW, you still write well, even if you're just "spewing verbal vomit." ;-)

Melissa said...

Can I just say you made me laugh AND cry within 30 seconds??? On a side note.....say a little prayer for me too...7 years tomorrow since my sweet Momma passed away...& not a day goes by that I don't think about her....

((HUGS)), Chrystie!!

-Melissa :)