Wisdom and Two Prayers

For the last while, I’ve really been focusing my prayers on wisdom. I feel SO unwise SO often in SO many facets of life.

(Of course, when you’re wise, do you KNOW you’re wise? Or, as a sweet friend once said, “When you’re a stalker, do you KNOW you’re a stalker?")

I wish I were wise in all areas of my life, but I especially desire wisdom when it comes to decision-making for my precious Ellie. I’ve often thought that it was crazily ironic that I, the most unscientific, non-medical person EVER, was placed in the position of co-Healthcare Decider Extraordinaire.

Oh, I research. I try to read the papers published by medical doctors, deciphering every tenth word. But, I am nowhere near trained, and every time I walk into a doctor’s office with Ellie, I feel overwhelmed and undereducated.

So, I pray. And trust. And beg God to impart wisdom to both Richard and me. Beg Him to lead us in our decision-making. Beseech Him to guide us, and lead us to medical professionals who are honest and worth following.

As we left for Winnipeg this morning, I prayed.

Give us wisdom, Lord. Place us in the right room with the right doctor. Allow our hearts to be overcome with peace if we’re to trust Dr. McPherson. Give us wisdom. Give us wisdom.

Of course, there’s a little dark part of my soul that changed the words to the prayer:

Lord, let the words that come out of Dr. McPherson’s mouth be exactly what I want to hear. Lead him to write our coveted insurance letter and to shower us with praise for Ellie’s abilities. Please direct him to verbalize his 100% support of the SDR surgery.

Oh, Chrystie of little faith…

Did Dr. McPherson respond the way my selfish side wanted? No. Did I leave his office with a peaceful heart? Absolutely, without hesitation, yes.

While listening to Dr. McPherson honestly answer our pressing questions about SDR, I could literally feel my heart fill with peace. He is trustworthy. When I asked him, “What would you do if Ellie was YOUR daughter?” I was completely confident that he would answer with whole sincerity.

Even if the answer wasn’t what I was hoping for.

Dr. McPherson spent a long time talking to us in his office, and although he didn’t completely discourage the surgery, he was very cautious in recommending it. He said that he hadn’t seen “amazing” results post-SDR, and he wondered if perhaps pursuing a different avenue (specifically, a intrathecal baclofen pump) might be a better solution. He seemed to indicate that SDR wasn’t as popular as it used to be, because many CP specialists were questioning the risk versus gain.

That said, Dr. McPherson admitted that he felt somewhat under qualified to advise us for or against SDR, so he referred us to a local neurosurgeon (who doesn’t perform SDR himself, but has many CP patients who have had it done, and is a part of the neurosurgery clique). We should have an appointment with the neurosurgeon by the end of summer.

Allow our hearts to be overcome with peace if we’re to trust Dr. McPherson.

My heart is peaceful. We left Dr. McPherson’s without concrete answers, without an insurance letter, and without a definitive response. But, I smiled all the way home. We have a doctor who is trustworthy, and that trustworthy doctor has referred us to someone HE thinks is trustworthy. God is guiding us to the right people, just as He’ll give us wisdom as we make medical decisions for Ellie.

We have an all-day appointment in Minneapolis on Monday, and I will be on my knees once again. Except, this time, I think I’ll omit the “in the back of my mind” prayer. I’m convinced that God will place medical professionals in our lives for a reason. If Ellie is supposed to be an SDR-girl, then He will lead us to the right doctors. If we’re supposed to pursue a different medical avenue for Ellie, He’ll place in our path trustworthy doctors who advise against SDR.

Perhaps allowing myself to have faith in God’s direction is how I’m wise today.