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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

So there.

I just can't do it today. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm envious.

The day started off with an unpleasant bang, with a new email from Babycenter, entitled "How to Tame Your Motormouth Toddler". Excellent. Just what I needed before my first sip of extra caffeinated coffee.

Then I went to check in on my NDM girls, and the discussion revolves around disciplining their unruly, tantrum-throwing, uncatchable two-year-olds. I love my girls with every fiber of my being, but today it just felt like salt on a wound.

I should have turned off the computer right then and there, but noooo, I had to click the "check mail" button one last time, only to be greeted by the message from a sweet friend, announcing that she is pregnant with number two. Because SHE has a working uterus.

I know that today is a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. Things could be much worse, and I should concentrate on the positives. But, you know what? I don't bloody want to. I want to be sad that my daughter hasn't pooped in three days because the cerebral palsy affects her internal muscles as well. I want to be heart-sick that my kid is falling progressively farther behind on her speech. I want to be jealous of the mom's whose 26 month olds rattle off complete sentences and sing 'Jesus Loves Me'. I want to be bitter about the fact that I can't be a part of a conversation about discipline because my daughter doesn't steal toys, or get into stuff she shouldn't, or kick, or hit, or scream. I want to feel despondent because of my crappy uterus, and mourn the fact that it will never be used for baby-baking again.

I'll make a "thankful list" tomorrow.

But, today, I want to be blue.


Melissa (BBC CP Board :) said...

I wish I could give you a BIG hug, Chrystie!! Keep your head up........
((( H U G S )))

Anonymous said...

Do you know how much I love you?! I love that you are honest and open about your feelings and allow yourself to FEEL blue. You are intitiled to that. I can't imagine how hard it is to always be's okay to have a crappy day. It's okay to be blue. As long as tomorrow you allow The Father (who fearfully & wonderfully created Ellie) to pick you back up, dust off your knees, wipe your tears and help you to carry on. You are one of the strongest momma's I've ever met. I love you so much!

Laura (I can't sign in because I can't remember my dang password)

Sunny said...

I LOVE YOU! No other words but I get it, understand it, and am here for you. HUGS!