Chapters

I'm frustrated.

I want a "How To" book.  One that tells me exactly how to mother my kid.  One that tells me exactly which things Ellie can control and which things are just part of her CP.  One that tells me how hard to push.  One that tells me why.  And how.  And what to do about it.

Yesterday, after reading Ellie's school journal and finding out that she did something that she shouldn't have (don't want to get into details on this public blog....despite what many of you may think, I actually *do* have some awareness of privacy.  Occasionally.), I actually, with raised voiced said,

"Do OTHER kids in your class do this Ellie?  No?  Then WHY did you?"

In my head, I wanted to conclude the statement with, "Why can't you just act like the other kids in your class?  Why, Ellie?  Why?"

Ellie cried.  And said, "I'm sorry" about 20 times.  I, of course, felt like a terrible mom.

Once the shock and frustration had subsided, I started asking myself over and over again, "How am I ever supposed to know what Ellie's body can or can't control?"  And how do I discipline effectively while not knowing?  I always want to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she CAN do something.  But what if she really CAN'T?  And what if the behavior (which, in this case was both physical and psychological) that I'm chastising can't be helped?

There are thousands of parenting books out there.  I order them for my library often.  But none are applicable to me.  None answer these questions.

It's lonely out here today.

I wish I had more time to expand, but there's this thing called "Intellectual Freedom Case Research Paper That's Worth 30% of My Final Mark" needing my attention.  Which isn't all bad.  Cuz, you know what?  There are lots of books out there on THAT topic.