The Interview

I was all ready to watch a new episode of Law and Order last night. I had my super-soft pastel throw blanket wrapped around me as I lay on the couch, once again mesmerized by our new REALLY BIG TV, waiting for the “This program is not suitable for children” disclaimer to pop on the screen. I love watching a good Law and Order or CSI before bed.

Fifteen minutes into the show, the NBC cable feed crapped out. NOOOOOO! Just when it was getting intense and the “don’t forget to breathe” shocking twist was about to be revealed. Stupid Minneapolis station.

So, I had to turn the channel to ABC (which, ironically, is a feed coming in from Grand Forks. How on earth does a NORTH DAKOTA channel come in when the Minneapolis one is on crack??). Lo and behold, there was Barbara. And Patrick Swayze.

Now, for those of you who are of my VERY YOUNG generation, I’m sure, like me, you can appreciate a little Patrick Swayze every once and a while. The problem, of course, is that this is no longer the Patrick of Dirty Dancing (which, of course, I had to watch on the sly at a friend’s house, since my “you should only listen to Amy Grant, only watch Disney cartoons, and only read Christy Miller books” mom would have called for an exorcism had she known). This was the 50-year-old, dying from cancer Patrick.

The whole interview centered around his battle with pancreatic cancer. Patrick and his wife were quite open with Barbara, and I found myself nearly forgetting about the botched Law and Order as I continued to listen to the Swayzes.

Then Barbie asked them a question that made my heart stop.

“Years ago, you had talked about your desire to adopt children. Do you regret not doing that?”

I saw that tears well up in both Mr. and Mrs. Swayze’s eyes. Dirty Dancer’s wife replied quietly, “yes”.

And then I thought, “I don’t want that to be ME!”

I don’t want Barbara to ask that exact question when she’s interviewing me in 20 years.

I don’t want to be sitting poolside with my best girlfriends during a weekend away, hear them ask the same question, only to pull a Mrs. Swayze and say, “yes”.

Why does it have to be so complicated and so expensive? You thought I was frustrated over the NBC signal being messed up? That doesn’t even compare to the frustration I feel at a system that seems to WANT babies orphaned and fostered. That doesn’t even compare to the frustration I feel at not knowing what the future holds and wondering how on earth I’d be able to handle mothering another child while helping my daughter recuperate from spine surgery.

Many of you have asked me where we stand on the adoption issue. I’ve purposefully not mentioned it on my blog in a while. Because I don’t know. WE don’t know.

When I see the tears well up in the eyes of regretful “wish I could have been” adoptive parents, I want to start our home study TODAY. When I see the pictures of families whose CHILDREN play together with their new toys on Christmas day, I want to fly to an orphanage TODAY. When I think about my sister and how I’ve really grown to appreciate her and love her in special way, I want to apply for an adoption loan TODAY.

But there are so many other factors to consider. Money. Time. Ability.

I just wish my heart could decide. I wish that Richie and I could put our spiritual feet down and say, “Regis, this is our final answer,” and either move on, or start the paperwork.

I don’t want to regret this decision either way. I don’t want to wish that we gave Ellie a sibling, nor do I want to wish that we had more time and money to concentrate on Ellie’s health and therapy.

I want to answer Barbara with,

“I have no regrets, Ms. Walters.”