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Saturday, May 31, 2008

Smelly Cat

My precious friend, Laura, warned me about this blog. She said that reading it would make me bawl. Perhaps she even used the words “ugly cry”. As usual, sweet Laura was right.

I read this blog yesterday morning, and haven’t stopped thinking about it since. For reasons that are much more complex than “heart-wrenching” and "touching".

I am so in awe of Angie’s ability to paint a picture of heaven through her ordained words. Her writing is inspirational on a level she likely doesn’t realize. Oh, how I’d love to express myself the way she does. What an undeniable gift.

I am also completely astounded by Angie’s faithfulness in our Saviour. I want that. Oh, how I want that.

I’m almost embarrassed to compare “my” story with any of Angie’s. Every day I realize that Ellie’s life, no matter what obstacles she may face, is a miracle. I know that Angie would give all four of her limbs if it meant that Audrey would be LIVING with cerebral palsy.

So, for me to compare my emotions to hers is near blasphemy. I realize that.

But, how, then, can SHE find such solace in Jesus, when I continue to search? My breathing, speaking, preciously sleeping daughter is in the next room, and I continue to hunt for peace and acceptance in the Joygiver. Angie’s Joygiver.

I have often wondered if I emit the fragrance of Jesus when I’m sitting in a doctor’s office with Ellie, or when I’m bearing my soul to one of our therapists-turned-confidantes. I want to. I want their noses to tingle with the smell of a loving and faithful Maker. I want them to talk about us when we leave, saying, “Wow, I’ve never met a family so at peace, in spite of dealing with a severe disability.”

Yet, deep down, I realize that, if I smell fragrant in any way, it’s only because of a temporary smile that masks the odor. Just call me God’s “Glade Girl”.

I’m not a very faithful follower, because I spend a lot of my time questioning and worrying. I don’t leave Jesus in the doctor’s office, because I feel He's left ME. I shouldn’t BE in the doctor’s office to begin with. I don’t find comfort in His presence when I’m told that my daughter will never walk. I can’t leave behind a sweet aroma when my heart is dead and beginning to rot.

Yet, I know that Jesus loves Ellie. I know He loves me. I know He continues to love his sweet angel Audrey. I know that He has gone before me and that He can bring me joy. I’m just not sure how to trust Him ALL the time; how to grab onto His faithfulness during times of grief. The way Angie has.

Of course this has nothing to do with Angie. She was a God-given catalyst yesterday, and her appointed words were meant for my eyes; for my heart. See, yet another poignant example of God’s faithfulness at work! This is about ME, and my relationship with my Saviour.

I just really want to know Him more and feel Him in my heart. I want Him to use Ellie, and me as her mom, to glorify Him. I can’t do this without Him. I can’t cry for the future, or for the “what could have been”s for the rest of my life. I want to find joy in the mire.

I wish I knew how to get there. I wish I knew what it takes to meet God in that heaven-on-earth place. Because I want to, with meaning and unabashed belief, say,

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord.

And smell really, really good.


Sunny said...

Yes, blessed be the name of the Lord for sure. It is a HARD song to sing sometimes but always so true.

~Laura~ said...

I love you so much! thank you for your honestly & being so raw with your feelings. God is not offended my our questions or our anger. It's okay to be mad at Him sometimes. I spent alot of time after Addie was born NOT talking to God because I was afraid He's know I was mad at Him. Silly me, He already knew. If He taught me anything about Himself thru all that it was that He's not offended by our questions as long as we still trust Him. We may not like what He's doing but we have to trust Him that His ways are higher than ours. I love you!!