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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

I've Never Really Thought of That Before...

My dream phrase!

I’m not referring to ignorance or stupidity. There certainly are things that everyone SHOULD think seriously about (that’s an entire blog entry in and of itself!). However, I often wonder if I think TOO much. Not about politics or world hunger. About things I have no control over. About the future. About scary things.

For instance:

Mysterious Acquaintance: Chrystie, have you ever thought about how difficult it will be to carry Ellie around once she’s 50lbs?

Dream Answer: I’ve never really thought of that before!

Truthful Answer: Why yes, MA (Mysterious Acquaintance), the thought gnaws at me. In fact, I’m often concerned over how much Ellie eats every day, for fear that she will gain weight faster than needed. Because the solution to this “problem” is to put a perfectly healthy two-year-old on a diet. Uh huh. Don’t you wish you could live a day in my warped mind?

Mysterious Acquaintance: Chrystie, do you ever think of how you’d manage if Richard suddenly became unemployed?

Dream Answer: I’ve never really thought of that before!

Truthful Answer: Even though there’s not ONE indication that a lay-off is coming, I think about this possibility at least once a day. I’ve always sided with paranoia on this issue, but it’s escalated since I became a stay-at-home mom. I feel guilty for not contributing to the joint bank account. I feel that by relying completely on Richard for financial security, I am allowing the situation to slip through my fingers. And I HATE being out of control.

Mysterious Acquaintance: Chrystie, do you ever feel cheated that your uterus is a piece of crap?

Dream Answer: I’ve never really thought of it before!

Truthful Answer: My friends are having second (or third….) babies now. I’m not. I can’t. For some strange reason (grace?) I don’t blame God for my body’s failure. I don’t blame ANYONE. I just feel a tad bitter. Not a lot. Just a tad. If adoption weren’t so expensive, I’d feel less sour. It irks me that I’ll have to pay $20,000+ for each of my children (although, at least they’ll both know they were passionately wanted!). I know that they will both be worth every penny (Ellie already is!), but it would be a lot more fun to blow $40,000 on a European vacation.

Of course, I realize that the tables could turn, and the conversation could read as follows:

Mysterious Acquaintance: Chrystie, do you realize how blessed you are, to raise a daughter who teaches you patience and perseverance in an incredible way? And to be married to a genius, who is valued by a great company? And to have the resources to expand your family, regardless of non-working girlie parts?

Dream Answer: I’ve thought about that constantly!

Truthful Answer: I need to write it on my heart and think about it unceasingly.


Peitricia Mae said...

I suppose the final part to the truthful answer could be "I'll deal with that when/if it comes." It's good to think "what if" sometimes so you can remind yourself of the resources upon which you can draw if necessary. However, once you know you'd have a plan, you can (fortunately) stop thinking about it and turn your thoughts towards the good stuff!