I Remember Thinking....

...how envious I was of Sharon.

Sharon is my mom and dad's neighbor across the street. When I came home the first time with Ellie, in June of 2005, I remember watching Sharon plant petunias in her front flower bed.

I saw her walk outside with her baby monitor and place it on the top step, turning up the volume. Then she dirtied her hands in the soil and started digging holes for the roots. Happy as a clam. No worries. Her perfect 8-month-old sleeping in his crib for most of the afternoon.

And I was so jealous. So, so, so jealous.

Because I was watching her from the living room window, while I feverishly rocked back and forth in the glider, praying that my wailing daughter would sleep in my arms. Praying for five minutes of peace. Just FIVE MINUTES.

I remember the tears streaming down my weary face, and saying, "I'll NEVER be able to plant flowers again."

I truly thought I would never have a "normal" life again, that I would never have moments of peace and happiness. That my baby would never stop crying or learn to sleep in her crib. That I would never grin from ear to ear again, or laugh till I cried.

Looking back now, of course, I realize that I was in the deep dungeon of post partum depression and that my daughter was dealing with much more than "just" colic. And, thank the GOOD, GOOD, GOOD Lord that those days are long gone. Yet, a part of me wants them to remain close in my memory. Those dark days made me a better person. They gave me a sense of empathy and understanding I would not have had otherwise. They make me so much more thankful for the happiness I feel today. They make me want to pray steadfastly for new moms.

And, now, I will put on my gloves and grab my hoe. I will fetch the baby monitor and bring it outside with me as I ready the flower beds for planting. And my heart will smile and be glad.