Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
That’s the sound of me exhaling. The sound of a long, exhausted sigh.
Today was one of those days where I question my parenting decisions and abilities. I don’t say that in an attempt to solicit gold star stickers or a chorus of, “You’re a great mom, Chrystie!”s. It’s just honesty.
I am feeling overwhelmed. My brain is mushed by chaos and the result is a feeling of instability and a wobbly heart. I can’t help but wonder if Ellie is feeling it too. Or, at the very least, feeling that unsettling “Mommy’s tired” tingle.
Pre-2005, when I knew EVERYTHING about parenting, I vowed that I would not be one of *those* parents. You know, the kind who spend their entire day carting their kids around to one activity or another. The kind that over-schedule their young ‘uns and come across as chickens with their heads cut off.
HA! I am the runaway (Rabbit?) chicken!
This new schedule is killin’ me. A glimpse at our week:
Monday morning: Daycare
Monday afternoon: Preschool
Tuesday morning: Therapy
Tuesday afternoon: Daycare
Wednesday morning: Daycare
Wednesday afternoon: Preschool
Thursday morning: Therapy
Thursday afternoon: Grandma’s
Friday morning: Speech Therapy
Friday afternoon: Often a doctor’s appointment or therapy at Children’s Hospital.
Keep in mind, of course, that all therapy appointments require at least an hour drive one-way. Today, during my “half-hour” lunch break, I had to pick up Ellie from daycare, then drop her off at pre-school. All the while trying to not spill my tuna salad in the car, while I feverishly ate.
And the one thing that Ellie does NOT do is hurry.
While the other parents are encouraging their 4-year-olds to “run into school” so they won’t be late, I am wiping the sweat off my brow as I wait for my daughter to take very slow, carefully maneuvered steps. Ellie can’t be hurried. Oh, she can be encouraged to avoid distraction, but she walks at her own pace. Because she’s WALKING, regardless of speed, I am thankful. INCREDIBLY THANKFUL. But also stressed.
Everything feels so rushed, chauffeuring Ellie from one place to another, and then, just when we’re going to be late for school or an appointment or another therapy session; just when every fiber of my being wants to run and hurry, I have to stop and wait. Wait for Ellie to walk up a ramp. Wait for Ellie to rest her legs when she’s tired. Wait for Ellie to learn how to steer her walker. WAIT.
While a part of me cherishes the patience that Ellie has forced me to acquire, I am also frustrated. Not at sweet Ellie. At myself.
Why can’t I just be okay with being a few minutes late sometimes? Why do I feel so responsible when I take 5 extra minutes on my lunch break? Why do I feel like everyone is annoyed when they have to wait for Ellie to make her way through a doorway and they’re unable to squeeze by her? Why can’t I just savor? Savor the fact that my daughter is walking. Savor the fact that while she’s walking, she’s asking me a hundred questions (“Who’s walking in the door with me, Mommy? Am I going to school? Who am I going to see today? Are my friends going to be at school?”). Savor her beauty.
I’m not sure what the answer to the scheduling problem is. Every place we cart Ellie to and from is important. Therapy is a no-brainer. ALL of our therapists highly recommended starting Ellie in pre-school this year. My employment is kind of important, especially since aforementioned therapy and preschool aren’t free. What gives?
I am hoping and praying that today was just a bad day and that part of my frustration comes from the newness of this schedule. As we settle into the new routine, we’ll all feel less overwhelmed and more grounded.
For tonight, though, I take comfort in the goodness that is the Cowboys on Monday Night Football. Go Boys!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Corn On the Cob, A Therapy Wedge and Some Thoughts
So. It's been nearly a week since our appointment. Breathing room. Thinking room. Nail-biting room.
Richard and I are 90% sure that we will make the SDR (spine) surgery appointment within the next few weeks. In fact, I think I will email the surgeon's office tomorrow and see what his January schedule looks like (because if *I* were a neurosurgeon living in Canada, I'd take winter off to soak up some Hawaiian sun rays...). We are thinking that January might be a good time.
All of this is quite dependent on what her hip x-rays show in 2 weeks. If there has been no change in the past year, then we probably have more time to play with. If her right hip has become even more dislocated, but not to the point of warranting hip surgery, then we're under more of a time crunch with the SDR, because we'd want the spine surgery before too much damage is done to the hip. If the x-rays show really bad dislocation, we may have to go back to the drawing board and consider hip surgery BEFORE (and, perhaps instead of) the SDR.
The bottom line is that we're really hoping and praying that her hip x-rays look "good for Ellie" in a couple of weeks. Pray for that.
My heart is doing okay. It palpitates at times. It beats happily at other times. It's all so scary. I feel so excited about the possibilities, but terrified of the means. I work hard at avoiding the slippery slope that is the "what if...?" game. We're just trying our best to make the right decisions and trust that God is guiding us in the right direction. I throw my weary arms to heaven in submission, because I can't walk this scary road on my own.
It's helped that this week has been SO. BUSY. Work is kicking my butt and it's actually quite comforting to think about non-Ellie stuff for 8 hours each day.
And my sweet baby started preschool last week! She did fabulously. Ellie has a one-on-one aide, which is awesome. There's also Play-Doh, a Thomas train and singing. Needless to say, the girl is lovin' it!
THANK YOU for your love and prayers and for listening to my wonky rambling! I hope that I'm returning the love, whether by thought, blog-commenting, emailing, phoning or face-to-face contact. I have found myself to be ridiculously self-absorbed these past few weeks and for that, I apologize.
So, to start off a new week, I leave you with a few pics of Ellie eating her first corn on and cob and having some therapy fun on the "wedge" (working on her balance and trunk strength). Kisses to you all!
Richard and I are 90% sure that we will make the SDR (spine) surgery appointment within the next few weeks. In fact, I think I will email the surgeon's office tomorrow and see what his January schedule looks like (because if *I* were a neurosurgeon living in Canada, I'd take winter off to soak up some Hawaiian sun rays...). We are thinking that January might be a good time.
All of this is quite dependent on what her hip x-rays show in 2 weeks. If there has been no change in the past year, then we probably have more time to play with. If her right hip has become even more dislocated, but not to the point of warranting hip surgery, then we're under more of a time crunch with the SDR, because we'd want the spine surgery before too much damage is done to the hip. If the x-rays show really bad dislocation, we may have to go back to the drawing board and consider hip surgery BEFORE (and, perhaps instead of) the SDR.
The bottom line is that we're really hoping and praying that her hip x-rays look "good for Ellie" in a couple of weeks. Pray for that.
My heart is doing okay. It palpitates at times. It beats happily at other times. It's all so scary. I feel so excited about the possibilities, but terrified of the means. I work hard at avoiding the slippery slope that is the "what if...?" game. We're just trying our best to make the right decisions and trust that God is guiding us in the right direction. I throw my weary arms to heaven in submission, because I can't walk this scary road on my own.
It's helped that this week has been SO. BUSY. Work is kicking my butt and it's actually quite comforting to think about non-Ellie stuff for 8 hours each day.
And my sweet baby started preschool last week! She did fabulously. Ellie has a one-on-one aide, which is awesome. There's also Play-Doh, a Thomas train and singing. Needless to say, the girl is lovin' it!
THANK YOU for your love and prayers and for listening to my wonky rambling! I hope that I'm returning the love, whether by thought, blog-commenting, emailing, phoning or face-to-face contact. I have found myself to be ridiculously self-absorbed these past few weeks and for that, I apologize.
So, to start off a new week, I leave you with a few pics of Ellie eating her first corn on and cob and having some therapy fun on the "wedge" (working on her balance and trunk strength). Kisses to you all!
Monday, September 14, 2009
What a Day....the Quickee Version!
My oh my. This post has to be shorter than me because I am seriously about to lose all brain power. I just felt compelled to update, as so many of you have prayed for us today.
First of all, ELLIE IS AMAZING. Every doctor and therapist commented on her demeanor and how easy she was to handle. I think she's just really used to people examining her, but I can't help but be SO. PROUD. Though, when she announced to the neurosurgeon that she "just farted", the pride was crushed a bit. HA!
We saw the orthopedist first. He's the one that would operate on her hips and/or tendons. We were literally in his office for ten minutes. He eagerly declared that Ellie was a "superb candidate" for SDR surgery.
Next, we saw the physical therapist. We were with her for over an hour. She worked Ellie HARD! At the end of our appointment with her, she said, "I have to admit that I'm on the fence..." She was concerned about Ellie's right hip, which we've been keeping an eye on. She said that Ellie may have to undergo right hip surgery even with SDR. Sigh...
Lastly, we saw the big Kahuna, Dr. Steinbok. He's the neurosurgeon who would be performing the surgery. We were in his office the longest. He had a good, thorough look at Ellie and at the end of it all he, without hesitation, recommended that Ellie undergo the surgery. He said it would be "possibly life-changing". He predicted that her criss-crossing would be either eliminated or greatly improved, which, if you have seen Ellie walk, is a HUGE encouragement! He wasn't sure if he could fix all of her hip issues, but the surgery would definitely keep her from going under the knife for other orthopedic procedures. The amazing thing is that he performs the same less-invasive procedure as in St. Louis! He even studied under Dr. Park, the "famed" BEST SDR surgeon in the world. Yet, instead of paying $40,000 for Dr. Park to operate on Ellie's spine, this surgeon would do it for "free" (don't even GET me started on the merits of universal healthcare today....WE ARE SO BLESSED TO LIVE IN CANADA!).
Dr. Steinbok pretty much inferred that, as far as he was concerned, we could make an appointment for the surgery today. We weren't ready to do that, but, wow, are we encouraged! AND SCARED. Like crap.
So scared, in fact, that if I write in more detail, I may cry. I don't want to cry. I just want to eat the pick-up food that Richard so preciously walked a couple blocks to get (LOVE downtown Vancouver!). And the special treat he just surprised me with: a box of chocolate love from the Cupcake Factory! (LOVE Vancouver!)
THANK YOU so very much for your love, prayers and support. I nearly boo-hoo'ed when I read my blog comments and emails this morning. I felt the love!
More later...
LOVE YOU ALL!
First of all, ELLIE IS AMAZING. Every doctor and therapist commented on her demeanor and how easy she was to handle. I think she's just really used to people examining her, but I can't help but be SO. PROUD. Though, when she announced to the neurosurgeon that she "just farted", the pride was crushed a bit. HA!
We saw the orthopedist first. He's the one that would operate on her hips and/or tendons. We were literally in his office for ten minutes. He eagerly declared that Ellie was a "superb candidate" for SDR surgery.
Next, we saw the physical therapist. We were with her for over an hour. She worked Ellie HARD! At the end of our appointment with her, she said, "I have to admit that I'm on the fence..." She was concerned about Ellie's right hip, which we've been keeping an eye on. She said that Ellie may have to undergo right hip surgery even with SDR. Sigh...
Lastly, we saw the big Kahuna, Dr. Steinbok. He's the neurosurgeon who would be performing the surgery. We were in his office the longest. He had a good, thorough look at Ellie and at the end of it all he, without hesitation, recommended that Ellie undergo the surgery. He said it would be "possibly life-changing". He predicted that her criss-crossing would be either eliminated or greatly improved, which, if you have seen Ellie walk, is a HUGE encouragement! He wasn't sure if he could fix all of her hip issues, but the surgery would definitely keep her from going under the knife for other orthopedic procedures. The amazing thing is that he performs the same less-invasive procedure as in St. Louis! He even studied under Dr. Park, the "famed" BEST SDR surgeon in the world. Yet, instead of paying $40,000 for Dr. Park to operate on Ellie's spine, this surgeon would do it for "free" (don't even GET me started on the merits of universal healthcare today....WE ARE SO BLESSED TO LIVE IN CANADA!).
Dr. Steinbok pretty much inferred that, as far as he was concerned, we could make an appointment for the surgery today. We weren't ready to do that, but, wow, are we encouraged! AND SCARED. Like crap.
So scared, in fact, that if I write in more detail, I may cry. I don't want to cry. I just want to eat the pick-up food that Richard so preciously walked a couple blocks to get (LOVE downtown Vancouver!). And the special treat he just surprised me with: a box of chocolate love from the Cupcake Factory! (LOVE Vancouver!)
THANK YOU so very much for your love, prayers and support. I nearly boo-hoo'ed when I read my blog comments and emails this morning. I felt the love!
More later...
LOVE YOU ALL!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Vancouver
Why did I not know that Vancouver is a pretty awesome place? We've had a ton of fun exploring downtown! Ellie absolutely LOVED walking by the water and watching the sea planes, sea gulls and MASSIVE boats. I don't think she gave a ding-dong about the mountains though.
Cute kid.
Appointment is tomorrow (Monday). PRAY!
Cute kid.
Appointment is tomorrow (Monday). PRAY!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tummy-Cocoon
Butterflies. Not the pretty kind that fly around in the garden, or the type of stickers that Ellie sometimes chooses to put on her potty chart, but the gross kind. The kind that lead to vomiting. The kind that lead to heart palpitations and tears. I’m trying to keep them out of my stomach, but I’m not always successful.
I’m just really nervous about Monday.
Have I blogged about our upcoming weekend? Either way, I should spill the butterfly beans.
We’re off to Vancouver on Friday. Saturday and Sunday will be nice little exploration days, checking out the mountains and the ocean and the Olympic venues. Monday, though, is the real reason why we’re going out west: we have an appointment to see a pediatric neurosurgeon at BC Children’s Hospital. We’re meeting Dr. Steinbok to discuss Ellie’s candidacy for SDR (ie: spine) surgery.
And, there come the butterflies again.
Dr. Steinbok is the best in Canada. Our local neurosurgeon, whom we love and trust, referred us to him. Ellie will have an all-day evaluation, which will culminate with a neurosurgeon chit-chat.
I don’t know why I’m so nervous. If Ellie’s not a candidate it won’t be the end of the world. Truthfully, either decision is ulcer-inducing. If Dr. Steinbok turns her down, then I will admittedly be very disappointed. I’ve seen and heard so many awesome reports of how SDR has changed lives and resulted in kids being able to walk. I want that for Ellie SO BADLY. Yet, if Dr. Steinbok DOES suggest surgery for Ellie, I’ll be terrified. SPINE surgery. Not finger surgery. SPINE. And SURGERY. And ONE YEAR of intensive post-op therapy.
Major butterflies.
What I desire most is for the doctors to be wise. I don’t know any of these doctors personally, and I have no idea if they’re the “praying kind”. BUT, I beseech all of you to pray for them. Pray that God will speak through them as they advise and lead us towards MASSIVE decisions.
And while you’re on the ole knees, please pray that Richard and I will feel God’s guidance as we pursue the very best medical treatment for Ellie. Of course we want to give her the best shot at walking, but not at any cost.
Selfishly, I’ll be praying that my heart and tummy can find some peace and that we’ll be able to enjoy our sight-seeing time out in Vancouver and that I’ll be okay with any decisions made on Monday. Hey, it’ll be Ellie’s first time seeing the mountains and first time feeling the (very cold) ocean waters on her feet! I’m going to try to concentrate on those things in an effort to shoe those stupid butterflies away!
Thanks for your love and prayers. Many of you are known to me and my heart swells with gratitude when I think of what you’ve done for me; for us. Some of you are “strangers” who support from afar and I thank you for that too!
I’ll keep ya posted…
I’m just really nervous about Monday.
Have I blogged about our upcoming weekend? Either way, I should spill the butterfly beans.
We’re off to Vancouver on Friday. Saturday and Sunday will be nice little exploration days, checking out the mountains and the ocean and the Olympic venues. Monday, though, is the real reason why we’re going out west: we have an appointment to see a pediatric neurosurgeon at BC Children’s Hospital. We’re meeting Dr. Steinbok to discuss Ellie’s candidacy for SDR (ie: spine) surgery.
And, there come the butterflies again.
Dr. Steinbok is the best in Canada. Our local neurosurgeon, whom we love and trust, referred us to him. Ellie will have an all-day evaluation, which will culminate with a neurosurgeon chit-chat.
I don’t know why I’m so nervous. If Ellie’s not a candidate it won’t be the end of the world. Truthfully, either decision is ulcer-inducing. If Dr. Steinbok turns her down, then I will admittedly be very disappointed. I’ve seen and heard so many awesome reports of how SDR has changed lives and resulted in kids being able to walk. I want that for Ellie SO BADLY. Yet, if Dr. Steinbok DOES suggest surgery for Ellie, I’ll be terrified. SPINE surgery. Not finger surgery. SPINE. And SURGERY. And ONE YEAR of intensive post-op therapy.
Major butterflies.
What I desire most is for the doctors to be wise. I don’t know any of these doctors personally, and I have no idea if they’re the “praying kind”. BUT, I beseech all of you to pray for them. Pray that God will speak through them as they advise and lead us towards MASSIVE decisions.
And while you’re on the ole knees, please pray that Richard and I will feel God’s guidance as we pursue the very best medical treatment for Ellie. Of course we want to give her the best shot at walking, but not at any cost.
Selfishly, I’ll be praying that my heart and tummy can find some peace and that we’ll be able to enjoy our sight-seeing time out in Vancouver and that I’ll be okay with any decisions made on Monday. Hey, it’ll be Ellie’s first time seeing the mountains and first time feeling the (very cold) ocean waters on her feet! I’m going to try to concentrate on those things in an effort to shoe those stupid butterflies away!
Thanks for your love and prayers. Many of you are known to me and my heart swells with gratitude when I think of what you’ve done for me; for us. Some of you are “strangers” who support from afar and I thank you for that too!
I’ll keep ya posted…
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Build-A-Bea
Earlier this week, I thought Ellie and I should go to the mall to see what kind of next-size-up summer clothes we could snag on a great sale. Apparently, I wasn't the only mom who had this *bright* idea.
Needless to say, after maneuvering the stroller, or mama-bulldozing a pathway for Ellie in her walker, we decided it wasn't worth the trouble.
So, Build-A-Bear it was!
This was Ellie's first time at the highly overpriced store, and she really liked it. She was scared of anything that made noise (the "stuffer" and any noise-maker add-ons), but she loved everything else.
At the beginning of the process, I asked Ellie what she wanted to name her bear. Her immediate response was, "Chrystie". I vetoed that one. Her second choice was "Bea". I was surprised by the name, since I'd never heard her use it before, but later found out that my mom's new 3-year-old neighbor girl is named Bea. Cute!
So, here is the building of Bea:
Giving her a post-stuffing bath
Scrub-a-dub-dub
All clean and ready to get dressed
Ellie made her daddy proud by picking a "Red, White and Blue" outfit for Miss Bea
Getting Bea un-nekkid
Ha! Ellie looks quite proud!
Making Bea's birth certificate....luckily, she's got an easy name to spell!
The finished product!
Needless to say, after maneuvering the stroller, or mama-bulldozing a pathway for Ellie in her walker, we decided it wasn't worth the trouble.
So, Build-A-Bear it was!
This was Ellie's first time at the highly overpriced store, and she really liked it. She was scared of anything that made noise (the "stuffer" and any noise-maker add-ons), but she loved everything else.
At the beginning of the process, I asked Ellie what she wanted to name her bear. Her immediate response was, "Chrystie". I vetoed that one. Her second choice was "Bea". I was surprised by the name, since I'd never heard her use it before, but later found out that my mom's new 3-year-old neighbor girl is named Bea. Cute!
So, here is the building of Bea:
Giving her a post-stuffing bath
Scrub-a-dub-dub
All clean and ready to get dressed
Ellie made her daddy proud by picking a "Red, White and Blue" outfit for Miss Bea
Getting Bea un-nekkid
Ha! Ellie looks quite proud!
Making Bea's birth certificate....luckily, she's got an easy name to spell!
The finished product!
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