Thankful

As promised!

1) I am thankful that my parents live 5 minutes away. Granted, sometimes the 1500 mile separation of days past would be nice, but for the most part, I LOVE living so close by. This morning, for example, our lawn mower died (as in six-feet-under-and-never-coming-back-to-life dead), and I was able to zip over to mom and dad's, steal theirs (which is WAY fancier than ours!), and finish cutting the grass. Fantab.

2) I am thankful for Children's Buckley's. My sweet American friends, you are missing out on the world's most potent and life-changing cough syrup. Their slogan is "It tastes awful, but it works." And it really does (on both accounts)! We actually gave Ellie a mini dose of the adult syrup, and she found it so foul, that she cried upon swallowing! Poor girl. Thankfully, I found that they make raspberry-flavored Children's Buckley's, and it works great. No coughing last night.

3) I am thankful for fat free cream. Dieting is bad enough, but sacrificing cream in my coffee would send me over the edge.

4) I am thankful that November is only five months away. We're going to Disney!!

5) I am thankful that Richie's job is so flexible. Yesterday, Richard, Ellie and I went swimming at 3:00 in the afternoon. Today, Richie and I went lawn mower shopping (see point number one) at 11:00 in the morning. NICE.

6) I am thankful for my grandparents. All four of my grandparents are still living, and for the most part, healthy. My mom's parents are celebrating their 50th anniversary this summer, and my dad's parents are going on 60 years together. One set of grandparents just got back from their two-week vacation to Germany. It's a little odd to be jealous of your GRANDPARENTS' European adventure!

7) I am thankful for a main floor laundry room.

8) I am thankful for doctors. Well, particularly GOOD doctors. We see a lot of them.

9) I am thankful for laptop computers. I can't even imagine going back to a desk top now! There's nothing quite like sitting on the red La-Z-Boy, mindlessly watching Project Runway, while typing out an email.

10) I am thankful for new days.

So there.

I just can't do it today. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm envious.

The day started off with an unpleasant bang, with a new email from Babycenter, entitled "How to Tame Your Motormouth Toddler". Excellent. Just what I needed before my first sip of extra caffeinated coffee.

Then I went to check in on my NDM girls, and the discussion revolves around disciplining their unruly, tantrum-throwing, uncatchable two-year-olds. I love my girls with every fiber of my being, but today it just felt like salt on a wound.

I should have turned off the computer right then and there, but noooo, I had to click the "check mail" button one last time, only to be greeted by the message from a sweet friend, announcing that she is pregnant with number two. Because SHE has a working uterus.

I know that today is a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. Things could be much worse, and I should concentrate on the positives. But, you know what? I don't bloody want to. I want to be sad that my daughter hasn't pooped in three days because the cerebral palsy affects her internal muscles as well. I want to be heart-sick that my kid is falling progressively farther behind on her speech. I want to be jealous of the mom's whose 26 month olds rattle off complete sentences and sing 'Jesus Loves Me'. I want to be bitter about the fact that I can't be a part of a conversation about discipline because my daughter doesn't steal toys, or get into stuff she shouldn't, or kick, or hit, or scream. I want to feel despondent because of my crappy uterus, and mourn the fact that it will never be used for baby-baking again.

I'll make a "thankful list" tomorrow.

But, today, I want to be blue.

Thanks Guys (gender inclusive)

Today is Memorial Day in the States. Richard had the day off, so it really felt like more of a long weekend for us than last week, when Canada "celebrated" Victoria Day. For the past eight years, while living in the US, I always made a specific effort to remember the sacrifices of both American and Canadian soldiers, both past and present, on Memorial Day.

I'll do the same today.

Most, if not all, of you know my position on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. That doesn't matter today. My political views and extreme distaste of certain leaders are insignificant at the moment. Today, it's about gratefulness.

I am thankful for the men and women who have decided that defending their country (be it Canada or the US) is more important than financial gain. I am thankful for the men and women whose blood, sweat and tears are shed because they believe in protecting their nation. I am thankful for the families who kiss our soldiers good-bye, and somehow, let them go for months at a time.

I remember thinking, in the dead of a Texas summer, when the mercury rose to well over 110 degrees, how this would be a cool summer day in Iraq. I looked down at my jean shorts and flip flops, and wondered what it would feel like to wear combat boots and full uniform in this kind of heat. Wow. I sweat just thinking about it.

I also often wonder if I'd ever be able to muster up the inner strength to kiss Richard goodbye for six months at a time. SIX MONTHS. Ellie wouldn't even remember who her daddy was after that amount of time. And thousands of families are dreading that day in the airport right now. Thousands of wives are pleading with God to keep their husbands safe yet another day.

And here I sit, in my air conditioned house, watching a good ole hockey game (Go Sens!), sipping my fresh coffee, knowing that my husband will be back from his hour-long trip to Canadian Tire any minute.

Today, I thank the guys (both men and women) who have given me the ability to do all those things. I thank the guys who are are running the obstacle course in basic training. I thank the guys who are trying to sleep in a tent in the middle of the desert, when the overnight low is 100 degrees. I thank the guys who are holding down the fort in North America.

Merci Buckets.

First "X" in Nine Years!

I got to vote today!

It's felt like FOREVER since I've been able to go to the polls and exercise my democratic right, since I couldn't in the US, and, well, I was just too lazy to get an absentee ballot sent to me every time there was an election in Canada or Manitoba. What a great feeling! It's so easy to take our political freedom for granted, and I really tried to breathe it in today at the Seniors Center (where I had to cast my vote). We are blessed. I love the power a penciled "x" on a piece of paper can give me (granted, the cynical political scientist would say that the people have very little power, but for today, I am being optimistic!).

And, hey, now I actually have the right to gripe about the government, because I went out and voted!

For those who are interested, I voted Liberal. Personally, the most important issue in this election was healthcare (hmm, wonder why?), and I felt as though the Liberal Party's healthcare platform was the strongest. I'm certain that our local Liberal candidate will lose by a long shot, but I was able to voice my political opinion outside the scope of my blog this afternoon, and for that, I am grateful!

She Can Touch Her Toes!

One of the first indications we had of Ellie's CP was that she wasn't able to bend her legs enough to touch her toes. Typical babies ALWAYS play with their little feetsies and toesies, and Ellie never could. BUT, she can now! I ran to get the camera today when I caught her trying to take her socks off! She was sitting so nicely, with her knees perfectly bent. Ah, the little things...

One Year, Eh?

We've been back in the Great White North for an entire year today. It's still somewhat surreal. Some days it feels like we've been back forever. Other days, I can still smell hibiscus flowers and taste a #1 Sonic burger, as if right back in Texas.

I realized today that I haven't thought about Dallas in a few days. And haven't yearned to be back in the Lone Star State for many weeks. I smiled about that. Not because I dislike Texas (far from!), but because it's nice to like where you are RIGHT NOW. For years, I have struggled with finding contentment in the present, and it's a sweet change to say, "I like where I am today."

I think that most of my contentment struggles are tied into my plaguing selective memory. I seem to only remember the good aspects of places we've lived, which leaves me feeling empty, lonely, and wishing to go back. Texas was far from perfect, mostly because LIFE isn't perfect. When I lived in Dallas, I would yearn to be back in Canada, because I only remembered the good things about IT. All in all, it's a vicious cycle, because it always leaves the glass half empty.

Today, the glass is half full. No, it's 3/4 full! I love being here with my family and life-long friends. On Saturday morning, I went to a quaint restaurant with my very best friends. Yesterday, the whole family was over for supper. Tomorrow, my sister will join Ellie and me for therapy in the morning. How GREAT is all of that?

Here's to my Home and Native Land.

Doing Yard Work With Mom

(I just realized that Ellie always seems to be dressed in her sleeper in these pics! REALLY, I do put her in nice clothes when we're in public! It's just that we usually go outside first thing in the morning or after her nap! HONEST!)

Ellie Loves Her Some Grass

...if we could only convince her that it really doesn't TASTE good!

Hangin' Out With Cassandra

Glory

I was inspired today by my friend, Andrea. She is an amazing woman of God, whose daughter also has cerebral palsy. She holds a special place in my heart because, of my “Moms with CP kids” friends, she is the only one with whom I can openly talk about faith and Christianity.

Here’s a quote from Andrea’s blog entry that tugged at my heart:

It's hard to remember that I'm supposed to desire that God be glorified out of this situation we've been given.

I am so guilty of forgetting how God fits into my life. In all areas, but particulary when it comes to Ellie. I’ve often bragged about my lack of anger towards God for “allowing” Ellie’s stroke and subsequent brain injury to happen. I somehow convinced myself that I was *such* a good Christian, that I was incapable of being outraged at God.

What if my lack of anger is a result of the distance that stands between God and me? You can’t be ripped off at Someone you don’t care about. Annoyed, perhaps, but not truly, passionately ANGRY.

I know that God is gracious and that He has guarded my heart in the past two years, and spared me from a lot of emotional destruction. I believe it’s part of His grace that kept me from blaming Him. But, I shamefully admit that my surface relationship with Him was another factor. I’m thankful that I was spared from these feelings, but saddened by the possible reasons why.

The amazing thing about our God is that he is redeeming. The past is insignificant when it comes to His inviting, open arms. He accepts me today without any hesitation, and erases the distance I once felt.

Thankfully, I still feel very little anger. Oh, I have a plethora of questions to ask of Him, and I plead with Him on a near daily basis to “fix” my baby, but I don’t raise my fists towards heaven in a bout of rage.

Which brings me back to Andrea’s sentence. I am so very guilty of not seeing Ellie’s life, and her physical struggles, through God’s eyes. It pains me to admit that I rarely consider how these circumstances can bring glory to the One who made her, IN HIS IMAGE. I really, really want that. My soul yearns for something good to come out of this crap. I beg God to prepare sweet Ellie’s heart to be a breathing testimony of how God can use EVERYone. I pray that I can somehow radiate His goodness and mercy through the way I handle this situation, and praise Him when I feel like there’s nothing sing about.

So, today, I glorify God for finding me worthy enough to be Ellie’s mom. I glorify Him for seeing past our imperfections and molding us into His image. I glorify Him for giving me the opportunity to learn patience. I glorify Him for holding me up when my strength is gone (Ellie isn’t always the only one who can’t stand on her own two feet). I glorify Him for second chances. And, I glorify Him for being the LIGHT at the end of the tunnel, for making heaven a place of peace, rest, and perfectly working bodies.

The SwimMeister

Sacrifice

Hi, I’m Chrystie. I’m a stay-at-home-mom.

Blech. I hate the way that sounds. And then I hate that I hate it. WHY do I cringe when those words are forced out of my mouth? Do I, somewhere in the depths of my heart, feel as though working at home as a mom is inferior to having a “bona fide” career? Do I feel as if I’ve sold out to motherhood, because I never pictured myself staying at home to raise my kids?

When I was planning out my perfect future, it never included staying home with my kids for more than the allotted maternity leave. After all, that’s what day care is for! Of course, my future family consisted of two perfectly healthy children (2 boys, I’m sure!), and a super-high paying job which allowed me fabulous flexible hours.

I suppose this is part of REVISING THE DREAM. And revising the stay-at-home mom stigma that protrudes my mind.

God made me Ellie’s mom for a reason. When Richard and I decided to make babies, we acknowledged the fact that our children’s health and happiness would automatically supersede our own. We signed up for the “what if’s” and for the sacrifices. The “what if” became a “what now”, and the sacrifices intensified.

As I write this, I’m struck by the fact that in my heart, I consider staying home with Ellie a sacrifice. The definition of a sacrifice is this:

“the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.”

I am surrendering the prize of climbing up the corporate ladder, and going to work with adults five days per week. Is that REALLY a prize? Perhaps the prize is fulfilment. To be honest, I have yet to feel the same fulfilment being at home with Ellie as I did when in the workforce. I realize that the fruit of my labour is found in 30lbs of a giggling, almost-crawling little being, which can sometimes feel intangible. Therefore, my fulfilment won’t EVER be the same as it was in corporate world. The measuring sticks are different. The prizes are of unproportioned values.

I’m writing about this today because I feel as though I’ve come to a bit of a crossroads. I said that I wanted to stay home with Ellie until she was two. Well, guess what? She’s two. And my heart is yearning, albeit timidly, to be back in the paid workforce. I will be the first one to admit that some of the desire is financially based. I’d like to have granite countertops. I’d like to go to Hawaii. I’d like to buy another baby. All things that would be really difficult without a second income. The other part of me, of course, is wanting to feel smart at the end of the day. To hang up the office phone and smile, because the words that came out of my mouth during a teleconference were articulate and strong. To converse with adults during the day, about things that are unrelated to poopy diapers and sippy cups.

Yet, I know that I can’t just apply for a job, kick some arse in an interview, and start working in two weeks. Not only are the logistics of child care and transportation to and from therapy sessions a major issue, but so are the questions of relying on SOMEONE ELSE to ensure that my daughter receives enough attention, and mobility encouragement (ie: home therapy) to keep her happy and healthy.

I don’t know what it’s like to parent a typical child, but in the midst of my selfishness, I can’t help but think these issues are so much easier. I wouldn’t have to worry about the other toddlers in daycare stepping over or running into my non-mobile daughter. I wouldn’t have to stress about finding someone trustworthy to drive my kid 45 minutes one way to therapy on Tuesday mornings. I wouldn’t have to wonder if a caregiver was stretching her hamstrings enough, or remembering to do her balance exercises every day.

…for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim…

My Ellie has SUCH a higher claim. Regardless of whether I continue to stay at home with her, or if I go back to a paying job, I will sacrifice for her. Because her claim reaches to the sky. I know in my heart that God will work it out. His claim on Ellie AND ME is even higher and more pressing than mine will ever be.

I just wish these decisions were a little easier, that’s all.

Big, Big World

Sigh. Sometimes the world really IS too big. We're spending a few days in Minneapolis with Richard's parents. It's been a great weekend, and I truly feel blessed to have such a wonderful set of in-laws.

I hear a lot of griping about "the in-laws" from my friends (and, for the most part, rightfully so!), and I count myself so lucky to have nothing to add those conversations. My parents-in-law have welcomed me into the family from day one, and they have lavished love on Ellie like nobody's business!

The only "bad" thing is that we live so far away. I know that it's difficult and heart-wrenching for both Richard and me, knowing that no matter what, we will always live far away from one set of Ellie's grandparents. It's tough on everyone, and sometimes I throw my fists up to heaven and ask God why He had to make the world so darn big!

Sigh.

All that said, I really want to end this post on a positive note. Ellie's been great this visit. She warmed up to Southern Grandma in no time (thank goodness for her Princess book---she doesn't care WHO reads it to her, as long as she can turn the pages!). And, I am so very thankful that we have the financial means to even see Richard's parents twice a year. We are BLESSED.

Water World

My baby can swim! Ellie’s been taking swimming lessons with my mom for about five months now, so I rarely get to see her in action. So, when we went swimming in the hotel pool last night, I was amazed that she could actually SWIM in her tube, without any help! She kicked her little legs so hard, I thought they would fall off! Seeing her in the water is so heart-warming. I often think that she must feel so free in the pool, because FINALLY, her muscles will do what she tells them to. She can move her legs so easily in the water, and you can see the look of unabashed joy on her face. For THAT, I’ll even put on a bathing suit!

Ish, Ish!

So, Ellie doesn’t quite have the “F” sound down, and the word fish comes out as “ish”. And, we definitely saw ish today! Back at the “This is the best freakin’ place EVER” Mall, they have an underground aquarium, which is where we spent much of the morning. Ellie loved it, although she was admittedly frustrated that she couldn’t get her hand past the glass and into the shark’s mouth. Oh, the beauty of naivety and inhibition!

Ellie's First Carousel Ride

For those of you who are Mall of America virgins, it's my pleasure to inform you that, yes, there is an amusement park INSIDE a MASSIVE shopping mall! Can't get much better than that. Well, okay, here's something better: Ellie rode the carousel for the first time today! I wasn't sure how she'd do with balancing herself on the horse, but there was absolutely no need for me to worry. She laughed the whole ride and I wasn't holding her up at all! She rode the horsie all by herself! Not only is my baby growing up, but she's surpassing so many medical predictions for her life. I am awe-struck by her and fabuously in love with that little girl.

Off to Mall Of America We Go!

Ellie's all ready to hit the biggest mall in the US of A, sporting her new purse! Granted, the only money that's in it is of the chocolate loonie and toonie kind, but she can always window shop (which is the kind of shopping her mama SHOULD be doing...)!

We are leaving first thing tomorrow morning on our southern quest toward Minneapolis. Richard and I are going to test the travelling waters with Ellie, and see how she responds to a seven hour drive. This could definitely be interesting, folks!

Although our proximity to the Mall of America is a HEE-OOO-GE perk, the main purpose of the trip is to see "Southern Grandma and Grandpa". Richard's parents are meeting us in Minneapolis, and we will be hanging out with them for five days. Also note that means TWO very capable and eager babysitters during "Chrystie Shopping Time". WHOO HOO!