Big D

Before we moved to Dallas, “Big D” meant something entirely different, ha ha!

WE’RE HOME!

I thought I would post a synopsis of the trip on my blog, so I don’t have to re-write the story a hundred times. Gotta love blog-land!

We had a fantastic time. TRULY. It was a bit more exhausting than I had anticipated, with the visiting and shopping, but who needs rest?! Besides, the activities were done TOGETHER, as a couple, and that’s what mattered. I had prayed that the trip would be a time of re-connection for Richard and me, and that’s what it was.

We were also able to visit with some old friends and co-workers, which was awesome. We earmarked Friday as our “social day”, so it was super-busy. It was sooo good to see Lori, John and Carol. And 20 people came out for “Lunch with Richard” while he was at work! We both felt loved.

I was also able to meet my new friend, Andrea. I met her on my CP Mom’s Board, and we met up for breakfast on Friday. It was SOOO great to hang out with her and baby Ella (I’ve even blogged about the two of them!). I cannot tell you how good it is to talk with other mom’s who are going through similar emotions and struggles. We could have talked for another two hours, but time was tight. I left feeling so encouraged by sweet Ella and her mom. ELLA AND ELLIE: MIRACLE BABIES FOR SURE!!

The rest of the weekend was designated as “Richard and Chrystie” time. Had I not thought of Ellie every two minutes, I would have assumed we were newlyweds again! We even held hands in the mall! You know you’re in love when you can shop for six hours straight and still desire to be in each other’s company!

Of course, we drove by the old house, and as expected, I had to keep the tears from falling. I don’t know why a THING conjures up such intense emotions. I suppose it’s because of the memories that are connected to 1454 Ridgecreek Drive. When I saw that the new owner had painted the garage and front doors GREEN, I nearly sobbed. It was such a vivid example of how this was not our house anymore. Life had gone on. And now the doors were green.

I have to admit that Saturday evening was a bit emotional for me. We had spent most of the day in Lewisville, our old city, shopping at familiar stores, and driving past the “old sites”. It was quite overwhelming and there were moments when I wondered why we had left it all. I questioned our decision to come back, even for a visit. I didn’t like the way I felt. I think my heart was confused. WHERE did I belong? Here or 1500 miles north?

THANKFULLY, when I awoke on Saturday morning, I was no longer sad. I think I just needed an evening to sulk and throw a “the grass is always greener on the other side” pity party. It was an ironic God-send that the weather was terrible (the worst dust storm in years, and my allergies were insane!) and traffic horrendous. They were reminders of how life wasn’t perfect in Texas.

We were supposed to fly home on Monday morning, via Chicago, but, as Richard and I well know, any time you’re traveling north in February, you’re playing with fire. Sure enough, O’Hara airport was shut down, and our flight was re-routed through Denver. However, we ended up with a 27 hour layover in the Mile High City. So, we sipped from the cup of spontaneity and decided to take advantage of our Colorado day! We rented a car and drove west, into the mountains. Richard was a Rocky Mountain virgin, and I hadn’t been out west for a few years (since your wedding, Jenn!). We found a quaint lodge-hotel up in the mountains, and spent an entire day taking in the majesty of God’s creation. It was the PERFECT way to end the trip.

And when we arrived in Winnipeg late last night, it truly felt good to be HOME. There was no question in my heart or mind that this was home, and it was right. Even though Ellie was spending the night at my mom’s, as soon as we walked into the house and I saw her Mega Blocks and Princess Chair in the living room, my heart was full and I knew that the world was well.

ALL GOOD!

Rocky Mountain Pics

Man Made Uterus

(The picture is of Amilla, the 21-weeker)

I'm sure that many of you have heard about the world's most premature surviving baby, born at 21 weeks, going home from the hospital this week (after a four-month NICU stay....and I thought ONE month was unbearable!). My heart is always tender when it comes to preemies, but this one is exceptional.

It got me thinking. Do you think that modern medicine will evolve to a point where a baby can bake entirely in an artificial womb? It's a loaded question, with many moral implications. Would God "allow" that to happen? Does it fundamentally change who we are as human beings, formed in God's image? Would I have a problem with it?

I know it's a moot point, because it won't happen during my child-bearing years, but a part of me wishes it were possible today. I'd buy a uterus. I'm already shelling out $30,000 to buy an adopted baby, so what would stop me from buying a uterus to bake embryos made from our DNA? Perhaps I'm having a bad sterility day, and feel a tad bitter over my situation. Yet, this possibility reaches out beyond myself. I think of my friends whose girlie parts have failed them (in all sorts of different ways). They, too, could benefit from a uterus rental. It really would change lives.

I don't know what the future holds, but it sure is an interesting concept, isn't it?

Back To The Saddle Again

Richard and I are off to Dallas this week! We're leaving Miss Ellie at home with Grandma and Auntie Cherise, as we ride into the Texas sunset for FIVE WHOLE DAYS! I am anticipating some bitter sweet moments, as we visit the "old neighborhood" and some "old friends". I am still confident that our move back to Canada was God-led and the right thing for our family. However, I would be lying to say that I don't miss some aspects of our Texas life. I am sure that my heart will heave a sad sigh when we drive past our old house, knowing that it was the first house we ever owned, and the first home Ellie knew. I hope and pray that it will be an awesome time of reconnection for Richard and me, as we relish in the freedom of being childless for five days. I also pray that when we leave on Monday, we will feel as though we're coming HOME to Canada.

And I'll also be sending up purely selfish prayers that the weather will be fabulous and I'll even sport a tan by next week!

February 20, 2005

It's so weird to think that exactly two years ago, this is what I looked like! I don't normally feel warm fuzzies when I reflect upon my pregnancy, because it was REALLY hard, but today, when I look at this picture, my heart is a little warm. I had Ellie all to myself then. I knew her every move, and she knew mine. Today, nearly everything she does is in an attempt to gain some independence from her "bossy mom". Sigh...

Blessings

Is it a tad sadistic to feel blessed because you're better off than someone else? It seems somewhat perverse to turn someone else's suffering into your blessing. So, forgive me if come across as unsympathetic in this post. I've just been thinking a lot about Gina and her son, Liam, who has severe cerebral palsy.

I happened upon Gina's story on a CP parent site. She touched me.

Gina's first child, a girl, was born in the hospital via c-section. Two years later, when Gina became pregnant with her second child, she desperately wanted to attempt a vaginal birth. Her doctor advised against it, as VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)'s are dangerous and risky. Defying her doctor's advice, Gina decided to hire a midwife and give birth to her second child at home. Her pregnancy was free of complications, and she went into labor on her due date. The labor was uneventful, up until the last phase of pushing. When her son, Liam, was delivered, he was not breathing. Gina and the midwife panicked, and attempted emergency CPR. They were able to keep him alive while they rushed to the hospital, 20 miles away. Little Liam was deprived of oxygen for such a long time that he sustained a grave brain injury, which resulted in severe cerebral palsy. Although it can't be proven with 100% accuracy, it is believed that Liam would have been okay had he been born in a hospital, and intubated immediately.

I cannot even fathom Gina's guilt. The article I read was written by Gina, and she spent several paragraphs detailing her DAILY struggle to overcome the guilt that envelopes her. Several times a day, Gina asks herself, "What if?" Her heart is sewn together with a weak thread. Every day. Every hour. Liam is now 10 years old. The guilt continues to slice at each fragile string.

I feel guilty for a lot of things in life, but not about Ellie's birth or disability. I did everything possible to be healthy when I was pregnant. I ate fruits and veggies. I stopped drinking coffee. I rested. I didn't color my hair. I stayed away from fish and sandwich meats. I only took doctor-approved medicine when absolutely necessary. There was nothing else I could have done to keep her in longer or save her from the stroke.

THAT is a blessing.

When I analyze my pregnancy, Ellie's birth, and post-natal care, I realize that there was nothing more that could have been done. It just happened. I don't know WHY (I will ask God that when we meet). It just did. And when I am so desperate to "fix" Ellie, I remind myself that only broken things need fixing. Ellie's not broken. There's nothing "wrong" with her. Yes, her brain works differently than yours or mine, and that will require her to work MUCH MUCH harder in order to do things. But that doesn't mean that she's less than perfect.

I believe God saved me from that guilt. Perhaps He knew that something so powerful would send me over the insanity edge. Whatever the case, I'm grateful.

We're Not In Kansas, er, Texas Anymore...

Of course I realize that I lived in Canada for 22 years of my life before heading to the deep south. I know what cold is. I know what -40 feels like. I know that the inability to feel your extremeties is a sign of frost bite. I know not to stick my tongue on a light post in winter.

That said, I've never lived as an independent adult in Canada. Dad was always a phone call (or a few rooms) away. I didn't have to worry about house or car maintenence. My primary concern was making sure I could find a warm jacket that was also stylish.

I became a married, independent, responsible adult while living in Texas. I know how to maintain a house in a mild climate. Or, more accurately, Richard knows how! But, as I look outside at the shimmering snow, and the frozen mercury, I am well aware of the fact that we no longer live in Texas. Oh no. We are MANY MANY MANY miles from Texas.

So, here is a short list of "Canada things" that have Richard and I puzzled. Laugh if you must, but I can guarantee that my American friends reading this blog would also find these things foreign!

*Water Softeners. How often do you fill them with salt? How do you know if it's working? What happens if you forget to put the salt in?
*Block Heaters. Are all cars equipped with them? At what temperature do you have to plug in your vehcile so that it will start?
*Shovels. Is a shovel with a metal handle better than one made of wood? Are we responsible for shovelling a path in front of the mail pod? Is a snow blower worth it?
*Sidewalk salt. How often should we throw salt down on the walkway to the house? Does it hurt the concrete? Will it hurt the bushes if it gets into the soil?
*Windows and doors. Does EVERYONE have drafts coming in through their windows? Is it normal to have ice build up on the INSIDE of the door hinge? Is a $300 gas bill acceptable?
*Exhaust. Is it harmful to start your car and leave it running in the garage? (Um, yes, that one's a joke.)

See, the next time you're fixin' to make fun of Richard or me, consider the culture shock we're experiencing and give us a break. Because, goodness knows we're capable of caring for palm trees and maintaining air conditioners! So, we're not dumb. Just cold-stupid sometimes.

Memories

I was searching for some pictures off of Richard's computer, and stumbled on some old files. It was a fabulous trip down memory lane, and upon my return back to 2007-land, my heart was full and happy.

Sometimes I forget how many things I've experienced with Richie and how amazing my life is because of him and the history we share. Of course, a part of me wishes that the "newlywed spark" remained constant in our relationship. Yet, I also realize that the comfort and security we share with one another only comes out of familiarity. And I love that. I love where we've come and how easy it is for my heart to be naked in front of my husband. It's a good thing.

What Happens When Ellie "Reads" The Newspaper

Chocolate Therapy

Ellie's physical therapist advised us to start allowing Ellie to feed herself with utensils more often. This could be FUN...

Perspective

Living a content and grateful life is all about it.

I was watching a TV program yesterday about a woman who suffered a sudden stroke while making dinner one night. She had developed a blood clot on the part of her brain that transfers messages to the rest of her body. The result was normal cognitive and thought functions, but absolutely NO extremity control. All she could do was blink her eyes for "yes" and "no". Her husband, a true saint, remained true to his wedding vows and kept the family in tact. It's been five years since her fateful stroke, and her physical capabilities are still limited to blinking eyes.

Wow. And I feel sorry for myself that my daughter has relatively mild CP. Ellie's disability is like an ingrown toenail compared to what this lady has to deal with. I often get a bit miffed at people who complain about "insignificant" (all relative, I know!) problems like eczema or chronic ear infections. I feel like screaming, "I would LOVE for my daughter's most pressing health concern to be ear infections!"

Yet, when you put things into perspective, you realize that there's always *someone* who has it worse than you. In fact, when I put things into perspective, I'm usually left feeling embarrassed that I even bitched about my problems in the first place!

It's so easy to ride the "Why Me?" train, with a pit stop at the "It's Not Fair" station. It's NOT fair. It's not fair that Claire has eczema, and it's not fair that Ellie has cerebral palsy. EVERYONE feels that part of their life isn't fair. I'm NOT the only one with sorrows or concerns.

It's the human condition, after all. It's the reason why heaven looks so amazing.